Stuff for Dads

Tuesday, 17 April 2007

Into the Blue (DVD)

Starring: Jessica Alba's bikini and Paul Walker's Speedos.

Rated: 15

Story: Four divers stumble on sunken treasure and a downed plane full of cocaine off the coast of the Bahamas. They swim about wearing minimal clothing and achieving very little. There are lots of fish. Then everyone suddenly wants them dead. Even the fish.

Comments: The last twenty minutes are OK. Up until that point, nothing happens. Seriously. There's swimming, some fish and plenty of sunshine. That's it. It's all quite pleasant to look at but the plot moves along at a mollusc-like pace towards an entirely predictable conclusion. There's seldom any doubt where things are going but the film simply refuses to get a move on. There's just more diving, more fish, more discussion of how best to get rich quick. It's like watching an inept one-finger typist try to hammer out 'xylophone' - after not very long there's a crushing inevitability to events and nothing to look forward to but excruciating frustration or a quick death. (And that's with a bit of fast-forwarding...)

So it just chugs along for an hour and a quarter and then all at once there's gore and action and dead people everywhere. After the harmless nature of the first three-quarters of the film, it's actually slightly shocking. Maybe that's some kind of point but it doesn't seem likely - it's more a desperate case of trying to wake the audience up. This is foolish, however, because anyone who's lasted this long simply loves watching Jessica Alba swim or has slipped into a zen-like state of fish worship. Either way, breaking the trance risks all kinds of trauma.

It's not even like the plot twists make any real sense.

After this and The Fast and the Furious I think I'll actively avoid films with Paul Walker in. Alba does fine but you have to wonder why she agreed to it all. The rest of the cast struggle to make their characters believable but that's the script's fault more than theirs.

If you want fish, watch a documentary. If you want Jessica Alba in a bikini, buy a calendar. If you want entertainment, try balancing your DVD remote on your nose.

Whatever you want, avoid this.

Conclusion: I watched it so you don't have to.

Explosions: One.
Opportunities for a nap without missing much: Many.
Fish: Thousands.
How they sold it to the execs: Jessica Alba... in a bikini... swimming...
Minutes of your life you won't get back: One hundred and six.

Rating: 1/5

Labels: action (vol.1), film review (vol.1), thriller