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Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Submerged (DVD)

Starring: Steven Seagal and Vinnie Jones.

Rated: 15.

Story: Some convicts are offered a pardon in exchange for completing a covert operation in a South American country to eliminate a rogue army officer and the evil scientist he's got working on a mind control device.

Comments: Someone somewhere obviously thought it would be a good idea to try and pass this off as Under Siege on a submarine.

It's not even close.

For a start, the submarine section is rather short and sandwiched between an assault on an underground secret base and a terrorist hunt through a city. It doesn't even make much sense.

Then again, most of the movie doesn't make much sense. It's a messy excuse for a collection of set-piece action sequences that aren't that great. It's the kind of nonsense where the bad guys stand next to explosive barrels and one man can make a frontal assault on a tank and win. There's just no invention to any of it.

Seagal is looking rather well-fed and ready to doze off. As a bonus he talks slowly and with a weird accent. He probably thought he was introducing individuality to the character but it comes across more as if someone was messing with his medication.

Conclusion: Substandard.

Explosions: Mostly for the sake of it.
Plot holes: Several.
Gory moments: A few.
Direction and dialogue: Woeful.
Who ate all the pies?: Steven Seagal.

Rating: 2/5.

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