Stuff for Dads

  Avatar 3D

Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Uhura from Star Trek, the conflicted Terminator from Salvation and a host of characters that even special glasses can't make three-dimensional.

Rated: 12A.

Story: 150 years in the future, a paraplegic ex-marine gets the chance to go to the planet of Pandora and try to convince the 'primitive' indigenous people to quietly move out of the way of the human mining corporation that wants to plough up their home. Instead of talking to them in person, he remotely controls a specially-grown alien body. This is supposed to help gain their trust but, unsurprisingly, just freaks them out. To compensate, he has to study their ways and customs, ride a flying lizard and learn to hug trees.

Yep, it's Dances with Wolves in space...

Comments: Hooray, I finally dragged myself out of the house and made it to the cinema to see Avatar. Was it worth getting snowed on and then having to cough up £9.10?

Erm... Sort of.

It's certainly visually spectacular with plenty of action, explosions and impossible scenery. (Floating mountains, anyone?) The plot, however, is very predictable and the characterisation is paper thin. This would be OK if the film was a frantic ninety minute adventure but it's over an hour longer than that. A message that's blatantly 'Corporations = bad, Army = bad, Indigenous people = wise and strong and wonderful' might have been a revelation once upon a time. These days, the absence of any shades of grey feels almost dishonest.

The 3D effect is very different from the limited amount I've seen previously. Toy Story often takes place on distinct 2D planes whereas Avatar has proper depth to objects. There's also no noticeable blurring in fast-moving sequences. Bizarrely, though, there's a lot of distracting fuzziness in static scenes. The makers have gone with a depth-of-field effect so that only items at a particular distance are in focus - stuff much closer or further away is blurred. This is more relaxing on the eye than having everything in focus at once and works great in the action scenes where attention is automatically drawn to the excitement. It's not so good when people are simply standing around talking - it's easy to end up glancing elsewhere and become distracted by fuzz.

Avatar has been very successful but that's probably more down to good timing than anything else. It's the first major 3D release that isn't an animation aimed primarily at children. As such, watching it results in a certain amount of wide-eyed wonder. Having said that, I'm still not sold on 3D. Seeing it in 2D would have been different but I suspect equally enjoyable.

Is it worth rushing to catch it at the cinema while it's still on in 3D? Not desperately. DVD would be fine. Despite the flaws, 3D is unlikely to go away and, in another year or two, we'll be inundated with films that exploit the technology better and also have a decent script. Save some cash for then.

Conclusion: Not a patch on Titanic.

Explosions: Loads.
Big, blue aliens: Loads.
Monsters with sharp teeth: Loads.
Convincing lines of dialogue: Not so many.
Times I jumped 'cos I thought something was going to hit me in the head: One
Times I had to hit myself in the head at the dumbness of it all: Three or four.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, sci-fi

 
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  G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra (DVD)

Starring: Christopher Eccleston, Darth Maul, Dennis Quaid, the green girl from Star Trek, Sienna Miller, Marlon Wayans (remember him from Dungeons & Dragons? No? Maybe for the best...) & some generic action guy (Channing Tatum).

Rated: 12.

Story: An elite unit of super soldiers must recover some 'nanomite' warheads that have been stolen by a lunatic and his army of henchmen. In an effort to stop him destroying Paris, they, er... destroy Paris.

Comments: And I thought Outlander was daft...

The plot of G.I. Joe makes very little sense. There's all kinds of nonsense involving unlikely technology and overblown conspiracies but you can't help feeling that both sides are simply too busy travelling the globe blowing things up to think about what they're doing.

Luckily, they move very fast and the explosions are enormous.

For a movie based on a range of action figures, G.I. Joe has clearly had a large amount of money thrown at it. Things almost constantly leap and drive and fly and go boom, so there's little time to worry about why on Earth they're doing it. The chase sequence through the French capital is particularly fresh and exciting.

There's a large cast of heroes and villains, each with their own specialities. Despite a fair number of flashbacks to explain motivations, however, the pace seldom flags. Although the the set-up feels quite like X-Men, there's none of the angst. Within moments, it's time to blow stuff up again.

In many ways, G.I. Joe is great. It's a non-stop rush of dumb spectacle with a high profile cast and some intriguing ideas. Sadly, it's maybe just a bit too dumb. I can put up with an awful lot if it leads to some really big fireworks but, honestly, this is the kind of film where ice sinks. Even while watching Sienna Miller and Rachel Nichols fight each other in the middle of a pyrotechnic apocalypse, I was still thinking, 'What? But why? Eh? That'd never work? And, oh goodness, please, please, will someone tell Christopher Eccleston to stop with the Scottish accent?'

Ho well, at least it's much better than the game. It's probably not as good as a whole load of action figures and accessories, though...

Conclusion: Lots of fun but liable to make you stupid.

Explosions: Loads.
Emotional realism: Lacking.
Scientific realism: Slim.
Political realism: Sparse.
Any kind of realism whatsoever: Pretty much absent.
Does that matter if it means the chance to watch beautiful people throw each other about while France blows up around them?: Possibly not.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, film review, sci-fi

 
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  Crank 2 - High Voltage (DVD)

Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart and a granny in a cardigan made of synthetic fibres.

Rated: 18.

Story: Chev Chelios wakes up from a coma to discover his heart has been stolen and replaced by an artificial one. He sets out on a rampage of destruction to get the original back before his batteries run out. Along the way, he finds every daft method possible to give himself a quick recharge.

Mmmmmmm... Friction.

Comments: Despite all its gore and violence, the original Crank was actually quite a thoughtful metaphor on hedonism and the transitory nature of life. Coupled with non-stop action, this made it rather good. At the end, however, I was disappointed to discover that it left absolutely no room for a sequel. Then again, upon thinking about it, I realised a sequel would entirely undermine the very nature of Crank. It's simply a headlong thrill ride towards death without time to pause or think, poking fun at the ultimate emptiness of a life of self-gratification.

Of course, it's also possible that the whole thing was just an excuse for a frantic sequence of fights and chases...

It doesn't matter, though. Either way, the ending of Crash is as emphatic as Titanic or Hamlet - pretty much everyone is dead. Any sequel was always going to be something of a stretch.

Enter High Voltage.

Oh dear. After Chev gets better from being dead in the first five minutes, the writers simply know no shame. The rest really is merely an excuse for a frantic sequence of fights and chases, tied together by coincidence and attempts to shock (sometimes in the eletrical sense, sometimes in the 'Eugh!' sense). It's like they put together a focus group of sixteen-year-old boys and asked them what they wanted. It probably says something that easily the funniest joke involves a guy with Full Body Tourettes.

The action isn't even that great. The pace helps keep it all relatively diverting but there's nothing very spectacular.

The only conceivable reason anyone thought creating Crank 2 was a good idea was to make a fast buck off the success of the original. The one consolation is that the movie is mercifully short, stopping pretty much randomly at the point the makers got bored.

Conclusion: Like a reel of scenes deleted from the original for being too daft and puerile.

Explosions: Occasional.
Strippers and hookers: Everywhere.
Mutilation: Unpleasant.
Violence: Extreme.
Foul-mouthed old lady: One.
Happy sixteen-year-olds: Probably many.

Rating: 2/5.

Labels: action, film review

 
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  Watchmen (DVD)

Starring: A woolly mask with splodges on it and a man with a very unhealthy blue glow.

Rated: 18.

Story: In an alternate version of the 1980s, a retired superhero is murdered and his old comrades endeavour to track down the killer whilst simultaneously whining about how much they miss the old days.

Comments: I should hate this film. It contains the two things most likely to irritate me in an action movie - angst-ridden superheroes and a narrative that's told in a strange order to make it seem more interesting. Oh, and some excessive gore for the sake of it. Not to mention a plot that promises more than the ending delivers. So it has four things that... No wait, there are some gadgets that might as well be powered by magic in there as well. That makes five things that... Er, did I mention it's half an hour too long? So that's, erm...

Hang on a minute while I go get some red robes and a comfy chair...

...

Right. That's better. As I was saying, Watchmen has any number of elements that are liable to grate. Happily, however, they're all thrown together which such style and spectacle that it doesn't matter. The characters are somehow sympathetic (despite being mostly crazy) and there's nearly always something interesting happening.

The soundtrack is fantastic, the editing is superb and the mix of time-frames and locations keeps the film visually fresh throughout. It may not be the rip-roaring superhero adventure full of smashing and explosions I've been waiting for but it all makes Spider-Man's recent cinematic moping seem doubly tiresome.

Conclusion: Would you believe it? Telling the story in a jumbled order makes superhero angst bearable.

Explosions: Relatively few.
Vicious brawling: Plenty.
Silly sex scenes: Two or three.
Spectacle: Lots.
Stretched Lycra: Slightly less than is entirely seemly.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action, fantasy, film review, sci-fi

 
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  Doomsday (DVD)

Starring: Rhona Mitra. Bob Hoskins and Malcolm McDowell show up on occasion. Everyone else is cannon fodder.

Rated: 18. (Expect blood, squishiness, graphic cannibalism and exploding rabbits.)

Story: An outbreak of a lethal (and messy) virus in Glasgow causes the whole of Scotland to be quarantined. The English throw up a great big wall and leave everyone north of it to their fate.

Thirty years later, the virus reappears in London. Desperate to obtain a cure, the Prime Minister sends a military team over the border to investigate reports of survivors.

Unfortunately, it transpires that half these survivors have had nothing to do for decades but watch DVDs of Mad Max and Escape from New York. The other half have been making armour and working on their jousting skills.

The expedition runs into trouble pretty much instantly...

Comments: The world will end in New York. Fact. I've seen it on screen so many times, it must be true. Whether it involves zombies, plague, meteor showers, giant lizards, nuclear weapons, talking chimps, unexplained giant bat monsters or thirty feet of snow, New York is going to get it first. This being the case, I'm expecting to have a certain amount of warning before the apocalypse arrives. With a B&Q round the corner, I should have plenty of time to nip out and stock up on batteries, torches and chainsaws (not to mention some soothing magnolia paint to decorate my panic room).

Or that's what I thought. After seeing Doomsday, I'm not so sure. If civilisation ends in Glasgow, I might not even have opportunity to sprinkle the driveway with bear traps before the lizard and zombies arrive and start fighting on it...

Ho well. Apart from raising the disconcerting possibility of disaster striking just down the motorway, Doomsday is rather good. It's essentially a homage to any number of stunt-heavy adventure flicks from the Eighties, combined with an extra touch of polish and quite a lot more gore than I remember. As such, its plot is wafer thin but it never takes itself seriously enough for that to matter. It's all a slick excuse for a rollercoaster of shoot-outs, car combat and sword fighting. Despite these sequences being over the top, they're not reliant on wires or copious CGI, resulting in a pleasingly solid feel.

Characterisation is limited but the cast does an excellent job with what they're given. It really is refreshing to see a fully-fledged action film full of Brits and with a British setting. Watching a chase through Glasgow Queen St station, complete with signs in Gaelic, makes a welcome change from the New York subway. (Although the layout is all wrong. The real Queen St is tiny - they'd have run out of platform halfway through.)

Don't expect genius, mind you - merely dumb spectacle and plenty of fond memories of other films. I was beginning to wonder whether they made them like this anymore...

Conclusion: It's like a greatest hits compilation of action movies from the Thatcher era (with added Glaswegians). All that's missing are some aliens and a Terminator.

Vehicles that explode on impact: Several.
Cows: Hundreds.
Nefarious politicians: Two.
Kilt-wearing Can-Can dancers: Too many.
Violent uses of a pheasant: One.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action, film review, sci-fi

 
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  Underworld - Rise of the Lycans (DVD)

Starring: A grumpy Bill Nighy, a former Lara Croft and Michael Sheen's wild, staring eyes.

Rated: 18.

Story: The first two Underworld films are set in the present day and focus on a war between vampires and werewolves. This is a prequel, detailing the beginnings of the conflict in the Dark Ages. The majority of the werewolves are bestial and brutal but the vampires have enslaved those able to switch to human form. These Lycans guard the vampires during the day.

Problems arise when the chief-vampire's daughter falls for one of the Lycans. This leads to a Romeo and Juliet situation, a touch of rebellion and lots of supernatural creatures dismembering each other by moonlight.

Comments: The ending of the second Underworld film was pretty conclusive, so this third effort is rather superfluous to the story. It fills in some history but it doesn't add much of significance. Viewed in its own right, however, it's a well-paced and satisfying fantasy adventure. There's nothing truly spectacular about it but neither does it wander off into endless, self-indulgent excess. The combatants never end up doing backflips in a burning building on top of a moving dragon merely for the sake of it. The simple mix of love story and revolution is actually refreshingly restrained in the context and, although the combat is fast and bloody, it rarely feels excessive.

Rise of the Lycans isn't exactly Shakespeare but it's nice to watch an action movie which doesn't descend into total stupidity by Act III. The plot is also more intelligible than the first films, so this is definitely worth a look if you fancy some fantasy brawling to entertain you while you collapse exhausted on the sofa with a beer. I'm now in the mood to watch the other two again.

One thing to note is that the casting is very peculiar, feeling more suitable to a Richard Curtis comedy than a swords-and-incisors action flick. I kept expecting Hugh Grant to pop up at any moment... then rip someone's head off. This was disturbing. Nevertheless, the choice of actors works out in the end. Rhona Mitra's performance is surprisingly adequate and Bill Nighy finally seems to have got the hang of playing a ruthless, immortal overlord. Michael Sheen's teeth, meanwhile, are somewhat too perfect for a werewolf slave in an age before dentists but his impressive, physical performance is astonishing considering he's best known for portrayals of Tony Blair, David Frost and Brian Clough. His versatility is more frightening than the CGI monsters.

Conclusion: Oddly, if you haven't watched any of the Underworld movies yet, this is maybe the place to start.

Explosions: A few remarkably flammable barrels of oil.
Computer-generated werewolves: Hundreds.
Bits you won't follow if you haven't seen/can't remember the other movies: Occasional lines here and there.
Great dental work: Twinkly.
Will I ever be able to see Tony Blair the same way again?: Probably not...

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action, fantasy, film review

 
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  Pathfinder (DVD)

Starring: Karl Urban.

Rated: 15.

Story: A Viking invasion of North America goes pear-shaped and a traumatised Norse boy gets stranded. He's taken in by a tribe of Native Americans and grows up to be a bead-wearing, sword-wielding, white-skinned brave with identity issues.

When some more Vikings show up, he methodically goes about slaughtering them saving his adoptive people.

Comments: Vikings have had some pretty good PR in recent years, portrayed as traders, craftsmen, seafarers and explorers. The rise of the caricature of beardy blokes with horned helmets having a drink and a singsong has seen the more dubious elements of their culture reduced to some light pillaging and a minor charge of real estate fraud over the naming of Greenland. Vikings aren't so bad after all and are suitable material for topic work in Primary 3. (Sprog 2 is learning about runes and legends at the moment. Next week he gets to build a model long boat out of lollipop sticks.)

It's a shock to be presented with the savage Vikings of Medieval propaganda, lopping chunks out of foreigners for the sake of it. They wear scary outfits, destroy mindlessly and laugh evilly. They act more like orcs than people. In contrast, the Native Americans are all fluffy, peace-loving and wise.

As you can guess from this set up, Pathfinder isn't exactly bursting with narrative or complex motivations. It's an excuse for Die Hard meets The Lord of the Rings. There's plenty of action and everything moves along quickly. This is something of a mixed blessing, though. There's no clear sense of time or geography to events. The Vikings and the protagonist all run round the landscape and meet up whenever and wherever is most dramatic, however unlikely the relative journey lengths and sudden cliff drops seem. The next set-piece fight is never far away.

The film also goes off the boil near the end with the final showdown being somewhat ludicrous. The Vikings might be savage but they'd need to be dumb as anvils to walk into the trap that's laid for them.

Pathfinder is nowhere near as good as Apocalypto. Nonetheless, it's still an entertaining action film if you don't take it seriously and aren't overly squeamish.

Conclusion: The sort of Viking movie that features a chase involving sledges and spiked flails. If that thought makes you grin, you'll probably enjoy it.

Explosions: None.
The sort of gory melee combat where eyes go rolling across the floor: Rather a lot.
Stupid Vikings: Plenty.
Historical accuracy: As if.
Suitable as study material for seven-year-olds?: Not really.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, film review

 
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  Taken (DVD)

Starring: Liam Neeson.

Rated: 18.

Story: Bryan Mills, an ex-spy, attempts to live a normal life and get to know his seventeen-year-old daughter (much of whose childhood he missed because he was too busy explosively fixing things in far-flung countries).

When she is kidnapped on a trip to Paris, he jets after her and finds himself caught between the French police and a human-trafficking ring.

He 'fixes' things.

Comments: There's a surprising amount of scene-setting in Taken. Getting on for half the film is filled with laying out the premise and establishing Mills' backstory and his relationships with his daughter and ex-wife. Thanks to Neeson's charisma, these elements are watchable enough but you can't help thinking it's all rather excessive for such a clichéd scenario.

Things only really get going once the dramatic (but somewhat unlikely) kidnapping occurs. Once he's in France, Mills utilises all his cunning and training to hunt down those responsible. There are some clever moments but events become rapidly unbelievable as the action ramps up. What starts as a tense investigation turns into manic car chases, ruthless brawls and the kind of gun battles where one determined dad with a pistol takes out a horde of bad guys dual-wielding Uzis. Unfortunately, the gung-ho action doesn't sit entirely comfortably with the sordid setting. Some of the scenes of human exploitation are quite depressing - turning the situation into Die Hard is unsettling for the wrong reasons.

Ultimately, Taken is rather unbalanced. It feels like the first and last episodes of 24: Season 1 slammed together with some extra implausibility and a protagonist who's slightly too old to be throwing himself off bridges.

Oh, and remember, if your teenage kids don't appreciate and respect you even though you're a nice guy and working really hard to make them happy, nothing fixes things better than saving their lives by going and wreaking havoc in a European capital...

Conclusion: Like someone held the script the wrong way up so most of the common sense fell out and all the action settled to the bottom.

Explosions: More like a couple of small fires.
Body count: Exponential.
Profound insights into parent-teenager relationships: Not many.
Bad guys capable of hitting a stationary man using an automatic weapon in a confined space: None.
Portrayal of France: They should sue.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, film review, thriller

 
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  Max Payne (DVD)

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis & Beau Bridges.

Rated: 15.

Story: Max Payne is a New York cop hunting the guy who murdered his wife and child. After some moody investigating, he discovers a link to the new narcotic, Valkyr. He goes on a gun-toting rampage of revenge. It snows a lot.

Comments: I have a strange affection for movies based on videogames. This isn't that unlikely, I suppose, given that I clearly enjoy both movies and games. The 'strange' part is that I keep being drawn to these tie-ins despite not a single one of them being that good. Hitman, Doom, the first Tomb Raider and Resident Evil 2 & 3 are all OK but nothing to get excited about. I only remember them because of the much better games they're based on. Worse, for every one of these mediocre efforts, there are a couple of real clunkers like Alone in the Dark. Being a follower of videogame movies is a bit like being a Norwich City fan - somewhere along the line you begin to wonder if it's really worth the effort...

Among the numerous mistakes made in converting games to films, one of the biggest is simply latching on to the wrong elements. The two things I can recall about the original Max Payne game are endless, grey, crumbling corridors and stylish, slow-motion gun play. The shooting was the whole point of the game while the drab, repetitive scenery was as much a technical limitation as an atmospheric device. It feels like every second game I've played since has had me creeping through warehouses, abandoned offices, derelict tenements and run-down hotels, thanks to a lack of imagination and a shortage of programming resources. That the film has almost no gun play for the first hour and instead concentrates on deserted streets and decrepit locations seems a bizarre choice. The feel is much more Condemned than Max Payne. By the time the action arrives, it's somewhat incongruous.

Throw in a wonky plot with an obvious twist, some dubious acting and a selection of side characters whose actions make no sense, and the result is hardly stellar. Oh, and there are strange hallucinations of Norse angels on a regular basis, seemingly for no other reason than to look cool.

Hey, never mind, maybe that Halo movie will get made one day and it will actually be good... In the meantime, watch Shoot 'Em Up instead of this.

Conclusion: Dark, bleak, predictable, slightly weird and occasionally a little tedious.

Explosions: A couple.
Snow: Loads.
Slow-motion shotgun moments: Surprisingly few.
Best bit: They didn't include the infuriating, flash-back platform sequence.

Rating: 2/5.

Labels: action, film review

 
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  Tropic Thunder (DVD)

Starring: Ben Stiller, Robert Downey Jr, Jack Black, Matthew McConaughey & Tom Cruise.

Rated: 15.

Story: The filming of an action movie based on a 'true' story from the the Vietnam War goes totally pear-shaped. As a result, the director decides to go for a Blair Witch approach and a bunch of pampered Hollywood actors find themselves wandering the jungles of South East Asia dressed as GIs and waving fake guns.

Unsurprisingly, they blunder into a load of locals with real guns...

Comments: A touch of humour can do wonders for a trashy action film. Some proper jokes and a sense of fun are an effective means of papering over the holes in the plot and easing the transition between daft excuses for explosions. Tropic Thunder proves, however, that a touch of action can also do wonders for a trashy comedy film.

The jokes are generally reasonably funny with a handful of truly hilarious moments poking fun at the movie industry. A couple of recurring gags are a little tiresome, though. (It's particularly hard to tell whether we're supposed to be laughing at the idiocy of Tom Cruise's character or simply at Tom Cruise. In some ways, that's incredibly clever. Sadly, it's pretty excruciating to watch.) As a standard comedy, the film would be OK but instantly forgettable. Happily, the action scenes are more entertaining than in a fair few action movies I've seen recently, picking up the slack whenever the humour starts to wear thin. The final product is both fun and exciting.

Ultimately, your reaction to Tropic Thunder is likely to depend on how you feel about Robert Downey Jr's character. His performance carries the movie in places and so you'll need to be able to see the funny side of a white dude playing a white dude playing a black dude who acts like a stereotype of a black dude invented by a white dude who has lost sight of the dude he really is...

(Oh, and the best bit is actually the spoof viral-video planning meeting that's in the bonus features.)

Conclusion: All comedy films should have more explosions. Maybe even My Best Friend's Wedding could have been good with a couple of air strikes and a truck full of AK-47s.

Explosions: Loads.
Funny jokes: Enough.
Very confused dudes: Two.
Life-saving uses of a TiVo: One.
Tom Cruise embarrassing himself: Slightly too much.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action, comedy, film review

 
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  Transporter 3 (DVD)

Starring: Jason Statham and Natalya Rudakova's freckles.

Rated: 15.

Story: Bad guys have kidnapped the daughter of a Ukrainian government minister in an effort to force him to sign contracts with an evil corporation that wants somewhere to dump its bubbling, green toxic waste. For some reason, they decide it's necessary to drag Frank Martin (Statham) out of retirement to ferry the girl about. Since he's no longer in the business of transporting dubious goods, they force him to cooperate by giving him an explosive bracelet set to detonate if he goes more than 75 feet from his car.

(Obviously, you're not so much going to have to suspend your disbelief for this one, as staple it to the ceiling...)

Comments: I guess alarm bells should have started ringing in my head about dodgy sequels involving Jason Statham as soon as I saw the trailer on the DVD for Crank 2. I mean, what? That's like a sequel to Titanic. It's simply daft.

Nevertheless, I was quite looking forward to Transporter 3. The first installment in the Transporter franchise is an all right action flick and the second is a completely mental succession of fights and stunts that roars along without taking itself too seriously. Sadly, number 3 is an uncomfortable mix of elements from both of them. The plot is as stUpid as number 2 but everything plods along at the pace of number 1. The laws of physics are regularly broken but to no great spectacle. Nothing makes sense. It's all something of a mess.

Even the whole premise of the series has changed. Frank has gone from villain to hero, and his three rules for pulling off a successful job are out the window. They're now enforced about as regularly as the Prime Directive, seemingly only there for other people to remind him he's breaking them. Transporter 4 probably won't even have a car in it.

Ho hum.

The movie isn't a complete disaster, since there are a few laughs and a couple of interesting stunt sequences. If you like action films, you'll find it enjoyable enough while lying on the sofa with a beer after a hard day with the kids. It just lacks both plausibility and style, making it for genre fans only.

Conclusion: It's hard to create an action film which is coherent, meaningful and spectacular. Making one which is none of these things seems pretty easy, though...

Explosions: Fewer than the number of conversations the main characters have about what they would like for lunch.
Frequency of Jason Statham finding a reason to take his shirt off: High.
Ludicrous moments: Several.
Number of handguns held by the two primary characters between them in the entire film: Zero.
Number of handguns held by the two primary characters between them in the main promotional image: Four.
Chances of Crank 2 being any good: Slim.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, film review

 
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  Dungeons and Dragons (DVD)

Starring: Jeremy Irons, Justin Whalin, Zoe McLellan and Richard O'Brien.

Rated: 12.

Story: In a generic fantasy empire, a small band of adventurers drawn together by fate must embark on a quest to recover a powerful magical artifact, save the empress and defeat an evil sorcerer.

And, yes, it does all involve a drunken dwarf, a haughty elf, a sneering henchman, some wandering around in a forest and Jeremy Irons waving his arms about while cackling...

Comments: In many ways this is a bit of a disaster. For starters, there's very little content to tie it directly with the Dungeons & Dragons roleplaying game. From the use of magic to the types of monsters, nothing is entirely right. All that really distinguishes it from other swords and sorcery movies is the name. Starting out with a scene that literally has a dragon in a dungeon doesn't make it D&D.

Most of the cast are out acted by their own hair and Irons seems desperate to be somewhere else (as can be seen by the face he pulls at the end of some especially drawn-out arm waving in one of the deleted scenes). On top of that, the film has been rather poorly edited and it's entirely obvious where scenes have been pulled. This has usually been done to remove particularly clunky dialogue but it still plays havoc with the film's flow and continuity.

Nonetheless, Dungeons & Dragons is quite fun to watch if you've ever done any roleplaying. It may not have many proper D&D references but it is strangely reminiscent of a fantasy adventure improvised by a group of students for a laugh. The unlikely situations, stereotyped characters and wise-cracking dialogue actually add to the atmosphere. It's only on the few occasions when the film starts taking itself seriously and characters pontificate about freedom and equality that things drag. Have some lead figures lying around ready to paint at these moments...

Dungeons & Dragons could be described as Star Wars meets Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Lord of the Rings... in a dark alley and bearing a grudge. The result is a mess but it's worth watching all the same just to see Tom Baker with pointy ears.

Conclusion: Travels beyond awful and out the other side.

Explosions: Some decent CGI dragon breath.
Dungeons: Four.
Dragons: Dozens.
Ideas ripped from elsewhere: All of them.
Killer Persian rugs: One.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, fantasy, film review

 
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  Death Race (Blu-ray)

Starring: Jason Statham, Tyrese Gibson and, oh my goodness, is that Ian McShane!? (Remember Lovejoy?)

Rated: 18. (Apparently it's only a 15 on DVD, although I have to assume it's still a bloody tale of revenge, featuring convicts murdering each other using killer cars. Perhaps there's less gore or they bleep out all the swearing. Who knows?)

Story: In the near future, a former racing driver gets framed for murder and just happens to end up in a privately run prison which supplements its income by broadcasting gladiatorial races between the inmates on pay-per-view. Winning five races means freedom.

To add some spice, the cars have guns and the co-drivers are busty prisoners from the women's penitentiary down the road...

Comments: Right, before I go any further, I should probably point out that Death Race really is as daft as it sounds and is dumber than a toddler with a nappy full of hammers. People blow each other up while driving very fast. That's about it. This movie makes The Condemned look like a thoughtful reflection on the morality of violence as entertainment.

Death Race is gory, predictable and totally unbelievable. That said, if you're looking to watch some mindless explosions while collapsed on the sofa with a beer, it's slick and has impressive effects. The racing has obviously been influenced by a number of computer games, so this is maybe one to try after a hard day with the kids when you fancy a shot of Burnout but holding a controller feels a little too much like effort.

The cast do fine with what they're given but Jason Statham needs to consider his projects more carefully. Could he really not find better vehicles for his talents than this and In the Name of the King? Also, I spent the whole time expecting McShane to offer him some dodgy paintings (which was somewhat off-putting).

Conclusion: It's people driving at high speed while shooting at each other - nothing more nor less.

Explosions: Lots.
Cars with guns: Several.
Startling plot twists: None.
Gritty concrete locations: Constant.
Dodgy East Anglian antique dealers: One.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, film review, sci-fi

 
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  Wanted (DVD)

Starring: James McAvoy, Morgan Freeman & Angelina Jolie.

Rated: 18.

Story: A guy with a dull cubicle job and a rubbish life gets recruited by a pretty girl into a secret organisation. Before long, it turns out he has special powers enabling him to leap like an acrobat, drive like a maniac and bend the trajectory of bullets like... like... er, Elmer Fudd?

So, essentially, it's The Matrix without the computers (but with a justification for it all that's even stupider than human batteries).

Comments: You know that bit in cartoons where Daffy Duck is chased off a ledge but doesn't fall until Bugs Bunny holds up a sign saying, 'Look down, Stupid!'? Imagine those sort of principles applied to a couple of full budget car chases and a shoot out. Then throw in some madness involving weavers working as Fate's hitmen, a bit of double-crossing, an extremely high altitude train and a touch of fantasy fulfilment for bored office workers.

Yep, Wanted is daft as they come but it has excellent action sequences, decent characters and rattles along fast enough to paper over most of the cracks. It would take exceptional suspension of disbelief or a worryingly poor grasp of reality to not laugh at a few of the twists, though.

Conclusion: An astonishing spectacle that probably makes more sense after a couple of beers.

Explosions: Lots.
Totally outlandish car stunts: Several.
Assassins with no regard for the laws of physics: Plenty.
Silliness: Loads.
Effectiveness of explosive peanut butter as pest control: High... yet messy.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action, film review

 
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  Submerged (DVD)

Starring: Steven Seagal and Vinnie Jones.

Rated: 15.

Story: Some convicts are offered a pardon in exchange for completing a covert operation in a South American country to eliminate a rogue army officer and the evil scientist he's got working on a mind control device.

Comments: Someone somewhere obviously thought it would be a good idea to try and pass this off as Under Siege on a submarine.

It's not even close.

For a start, the submarine section is rather short and sandwiched between an assault on an underground secret base and a terrorist hunt through a city. It doesn't even make much sense.

Then again, most of the movie doesn't make much sense. It's a messy excuse for a collection of set-piece action sequences that aren't that great. It's the kind of nonsense where the bad guys stand next to explosive barrels and one man can make a frontal assault on a tank and win. There's just no invention to any of it.

Seagal is looking rather well-fed and ready to doze off. As a bonus he talks slowly and with a weird accent. He probably thought he was introducing individuality to the character but it comes across more as if someone was messing with his medication.

Conclusion: Substandard.

Explosions: Mostly for the sake of it.
Plot holes: Several.
Gory moments: A few.
Direction and dialogue: Woeful.
Who ate all the pies?: Steven Seagal.

Rating: 2/5.

Labels: action, film review, quick

 
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  The Kingdom (DVD)

Starring: Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner & Jason Bateman.

Rated: 15.

Story: A small team of FBI agents goes to Saudi Arabia to investigate a terrorist attack on US citizens. They have to deal with unfamiliar customs and politics. After a while, they befriend a local police official and get a couple of leads. Suddenly, every other person they meet has a rocket launcher.

Comments: This is actually a lot more intelligent than it sounds. The film starts with a whistle-stop history lesson of Saudi Arabia and goes out of its way to paint all the major characters not as Arabs or Westerners but as people.

Then again, the movie's not quite as clever as it likes to think. Near the beginning, lots of peripheral characters are introduced in quick succession, their names and important-sounding job titles flashing up at the bottom of the screen. The captions vanish almost immediately, giving the impression it's all fast-moving and complicated. Really, it's a case of lots of high up people not wanting any boats rocked. As events proceed, the whole thing moves into 24 mode and then full-blown action film territory.

Still, no one's motivation is entirely pure and the movie never descends into a simplistic tale of good versus evil. It's compulsive viewing throughout.

Conclusion: Slick and tense.

Explosions: Some.
Angry, vengeful people: Assorted.
Killer marbles: Buckets.
Violations of the Prime Directive: Several.
Unlikely car chases though the streets of Riyadh: One.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action, film review, quick, thriller

 
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  Starship Troopers 3 - Marauder (DVD)

Starring: Casper Van Dien.

Rated: 15.

Story: Humanity is under threat from alien bugs and war rages across the galaxy. Back home, the totalitarian regime manipulates the situation for its own ends.

Johnny Rico returns from the first film to shoot giant bugs and flirt with cute, girlie troopers... again.

Comments: Space ships, big guns, beautiful people and large bugs exploding in a splatter of slime - the Starship Troopers films are dumb fun. As an unexpected extra, there's also a little lesson on the dangers of Fascism and media manipulation.

The first film deals with demonisation of enemies, the second with the idolisation of heroes and this third one covers the appropriation of religion for political purposes. It's not deep but considering we're talking about an action flick with explosions, gratuitous nudity and giant bugs, it's impressive. Although it's unclear whether the conclusions are ambiguous by design or through fuzzy reasoning, there's more to think about than in many projects with vastly higher budgets.

Conclusion: Cheap, silly and surprisingly entertaining.

Explosions: Plenty.
Big bugs: Hordes.
Huge bugs: A few.
Absolutely astoundingly enormous bugs and slimy, psychic, pop-singing, human military commanders: One of each.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, film review, film review (vol.6), quick, sci-fi

 
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  Tears of the Sun (DVD)

Starring: Bruce Willis and Monica Bellucci.

Rated: 15.

Story: As civil war breaks out in Nigeria, a team of US Navy SEALS enters the country to extract an American aid worker (Bellucci). She won't leave without a bunch of refugees she's been helping, though. The soldiers choose to ignore orders and do what they can to help the locals.

This mainly involves shooting other locals.

Comments: In many ways, Tears of the Sun is remarkably similar to the recent Rambo sequel - different continent but the same tale of a cute foreign aid worker being extracted from a jungle swarming with sadistic enemies. In this one, however, it's an entire squad of soldiers led by Bruce Willis saving the day rather than just Stallone with a very big gun.

On a moral level, it's all very cut and dried. The Americans blunder into a conflict that has inhuman psychopaths on one side and innocent walking-wounded on the other. Failing to help the refugees out, despite orders not to interfere, is clearly presented as unacceptable behaviour for decent people, no matter how many brutalised conscripts get blown up in the process.

As an action film Tears of the Sun is quite uneven. There's very little action at all in the first half, giving the impression the whole thing is going to be a tense reflection on the horrors of war. Skirmishes become more frequent after that but the humungous, explosion-filled battle at the end seems incongruous and unbelievable, nevertheless. Cameroon springs up from nowhere and suddenly it's a sprint to the border with airstrikes and bazookas everywhere. Unfortunately, following on from the scenes of cruelty and torture earlier in the film, a standard Hollywood blast-fest just doesn't seem appropriate.

The movie is more palatable than Rambo but the message still appears to be 'War is terrible; let's send in some Americans with guns to sort it out'.

I'm not entirely convinced...

Conclusion: A film confused enough to cast Monica Bellucci as an American...

Explosions: Lots but they're saved for the end.
Pretty views of jungle: Plenty.
Not so pretty views of torture: Almost as many.
Indistinguishable SEALs wearing camouflage and facepaint: Six... No, eight... Er... Or were there ten?
The answer to all the world's problems: Bruce Willis.

Rating: 2/5.

Labels: action, action (vol.4), film review (vol.6)

 
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