Stuff for Dads

  Outlander (DVD)

Starring: James Caviezel, Sophia Myles, Jack Huston, Ron Perlman and John Hurt.

Rated: 15.

Story: An astronaut from another world crash-lands his spaceship in eighth century Scandinavia. Unfortunately, he brings a fire-breathing lizard monster with big teeth along for the ride.

He's forced to earn the trust of the local Vikings and then they all go dragon hunting...

Comments: Daft. The whole set-up of Outlander is just plain daft. If you can get past that, though, it's a passable action flick which is more fantasy than science fiction. Plenty of care and attention has been applied to the sets and costumes, and the combat is authentically swift and bloody. The 'dragon' itself gives the impression that the computer graphics guys got a little carried away but at least it's an excuse for some fire and explosions.

The cast generally seem as if they'd rather be elsewhere. Caviezel spends most of the time looking like he's just bitten into a lemon, John Hurt is John Hurt, Jack Huston weirdly gives the impression of playing Russell Brand playing a Viking (or maybe that's just me) and Perlman, for some inexplicable reason, appears to think he's in Braveheart 2. Myles' character is lumbered with every cliché going - she's the pretty (but tough and headstrong) princess who is promised to an arrogant prince but is strangely drawn to the mysterious stranger... and winds up needing saved from a dragon. Sigh.

Despite everything, however, Outlander is a likeable adventure tale. Sure it's stupid and predictable but it's also slick, full of action and looks good. You could do worse.

Conclusion: The Lord of the Rings meets Alien on a weekend break to Norway. Lots of guys with swords fight heroically, then get eaten.

If that sounds mildly entertaining, then you'll be mildly entertained...

Explosions: Occasional.
Unlikely plot developments: Several.
Spirited shield maidens: One.
Crazy guys with swords: Tasty.
Things not to do when hunting dragons: Split up and look for clues...

Rating: 3/5

Labels: fantasy, film review, sci-fi

 
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  Watchmen (DVD)

Starring: A woolly mask with splodges on it and a man with a very unhealthy blue glow.

Rated: 18.

Story: In an alternate version of the 1980s, a retired superhero is murdered and his old comrades endeavour to track down the killer whilst simultaneously whining about how much they miss the old days.

Comments: I should hate this film. It contains the two things most likely to irritate me in an action movie - angst-ridden superheroes and a narrative that's told in a strange order to make it seem more interesting. Oh, and some excessive gore for the sake of it. Not to mention a plot that promises more than the ending delivers. So it has four things that... No wait, there are some gadgets that might as well be powered by magic in there as well. That makes five things that... Er, did I mention it's half an hour too long? So that's, erm...

Hang on a minute while I go get some red robes and a comfy chair...

...

Right. That's better. As I was saying, Watchmen has any number of elements that are liable to grate. Happily, however, they're all thrown together which such style and spectacle that it doesn't matter. The characters are somehow sympathetic (despite being mostly crazy) and there's nearly always something interesting happening.

The soundtrack is fantastic, the editing is superb and the mix of time-frames and locations keeps the film visually fresh throughout. It may not be the rip-roaring superhero adventure full of smashing and explosions I've been waiting for but it all makes Spider-Man's recent cinematic moping seem doubly tiresome.

Conclusion: Would you believe it? Telling the story in a jumbled order makes superhero angst bearable.

Explosions: Relatively few.
Vicious brawling: Plenty.
Silly sex scenes: Two or three.
Spectacle: Lots.
Stretched Lycra: Slightly less than is entirely seemly.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action, fantasy, film review, sci-fi

 
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  Underworld - Rise of the Lycans (DVD)

Starring: A grumpy Bill Nighy, a former Lara Croft and Michael Sheen's wild, staring eyes.

Rated: 18.

Story: The first two Underworld films are set in the present day and focus on a war between vampires and werewolves. This is a prequel, detailing the beginnings of the conflict in the Dark Ages. The majority of the werewolves are bestial and brutal but the vampires have enslaved those able to switch to human form. These Lycans guard the vampires during the day.

Problems arise when the chief-vampire's daughter falls for one of the Lycans. This leads to a Romeo and Juliet situation, a touch of rebellion and lots of supernatural creatures dismembering each other by moonlight.

Comments: The ending of the second Underworld film was pretty conclusive, so this third effort is rather superfluous to the story. It fills in some history but it doesn't add much of significance. Viewed in its own right, however, it's a well-paced and satisfying fantasy adventure. There's nothing truly spectacular about it but neither does it wander off into endless, self-indulgent excess. The combatants never end up doing backflips in a burning building on top of a moving dragon merely for the sake of it. The simple mix of love story and revolution is actually refreshingly restrained in the context and, although the combat is fast and bloody, it rarely feels excessive.

Rise of the Lycans isn't exactly Shakespeare but it's nice to watch an action movie which doesn't descend into total stupidity by Act III. The plot is also more intelligible than the first films, so this is definitely worth a look if you fancy some fantasy brawling to entertain you while you collapse exhausted on the sofa with a beer. I'm now in the mood to watch the other two again.

One thing to note is that the casting is very peculiar, feeling more suitable to a Richard Curtis comedy than a swords-and-incisors action flick. I kept expecting Hugh Grant to pop up at any moment... then rip someone's head off. This was disturbing. Nevertheless, the choice of actors works out in the end. Rhona Mitra's performance is surprisingly adequate and Bill Nighy finally seems to have got the hang of playing a ruthless, immortal overlord. Michael Sheen's teeth, meanwhile, are somewhat too perfect for a werewolf slave in an age before dentists but his impressive, physical performance is astonishing considering he's best known for portrayals of Tony Blair, David Frost and Brian Clough. His versatility is more frightening than the CGI monsters.

Conclusion: Oddly, if you haven't watched any of the Underworld movies yet, this is maybe the place to start.

Explosions: A few remarkably flammable barrels of oil.
Computer-generated werewolves: Hundreds.
Bits you won't follow if you haven't seen/can't remember the other movies: Occasional lines here and there.
Great dental work: Twinkly.
Will I ever be able to see Tony Blair the same way again?: Probably not...

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action, fantasy, film review

 
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  Dungeons and Dragons (DVD)

Starring: Jeremy Irons, Justin Whalin, Zoe McLellan and Richard O'Brien.

Rated: 12.

Story: In a generic fantasy empire, a small band of adventurers drawn together by fate must embark on a quest to recover a powerful magical artifact, save the empress and defeat an evil sorcerer.

And, yes, it does all involve a drunken dwarf, a haughty elf, a sneering henchman, some wandering around in a forest and Jeremy Irons waving his arms about while cackling...

Comments: In many ways this is a bit of a disaster. For starters, there's very little content to tie it directly with the Dungeons & Dragons roleplaying game. From the use of magic to the types of monsters, nothing is entirely right. All that really distinguishes it from other swords and sorcery movies is the name. Starting out with a scene that literally has a dragon in a dungeon doesn't make it D&D.

Most of the cast are out acted by their own hair and Irons seems desperate to be somewhere else (as can be seen by the face he pulls at the end of some especially drawn-out arm waving in one of the deleted scenes). On top of that, the film has been rather poorly edited and it's entirely obvious where scenes have been pulled. This has usually been done to remove particularly clunky dialogue but it still plays havoc with the film's flow and continuity.

Nonetheless, Dungeons & Dragons is quite fun to watch if you've ever done any roleplaying. It may not have many proper D&D references but it is strangely reminiscent of a fantasy adventure improvised by a group of students for a laugh. The unlikely situations, stereotyped characters and wise-cracking dialogue actually add to the atmosphere. It's only on the few occasions when the film starts taking itself seriously and characters pontificate about freedom and equality that things drag. Have some lead figures lying around ready to paint at these moments...

Dungeons & Dragons could be described as Star Wars meets Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Lord of the Rings... in a dark alley and bearing a grudge. The result is a mess but it's worth watching all the same just to see Tom Baker with pointy ears.

Conclusion: Travels beyond awful and out the other side.

Explosions: Some decent CGI dragon breath.
Dungeons: Four.
Dragons: Dozens.
Ideas ripped from elsewhere: All of them.
Killer Persian rugs: One.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, fantasy, film review

 
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  In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (DVD)

Starring: Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, Shaggy, Gimli, Hellboy, Terminator 3 and that Lara-a-like who was in CSI: New York for a bit.

Rated: 15.

Story: A farmer in a generic fantasy kingdom battles his way through a horde of generic green men in rubber masks to defeat a generic evil wizard on a generic quest to rescue his generic pretty wife.

And the farmer's name?

Farmer.

I mean, honestly...

Comments: You're going to have to like sword fights for this one.

Sometimes these are the kind of sword fight where a hero can leap up and run across the heads of a gaggle of opposing soldiers to reach his goal, where 'elves' swing on vines that move as if the end off-screen is attached to a zip line and where a boomerang can hit two 'orcs' hard enough to knock them out but still return to the thrower's hand. Mostly they're the kind of sword fight where the hero laboriously cuts a swathe through a massed brawl of extras. It's probably the same extras in each scene, only the scenery changes - a village, a forest, a forest at night, a cave, a forest in the rain, a barn, a forest at night in the rain, a different forest...

Seriously, this film must have the about the highest SFPM (Sword Fights per Minute) rate of any movie ever, making it rather dull and repetitive after not very long. This isn't helped by poor dialogue, hammy acting and a plot that's less sophisticated than those featured in a majority of the old Dungeons & Dragons cartoons.

The combined result is something that appears more of a montage of deleted scenes from the Lord of the Rings than anything else.

Conclusion: Plenty of swords but you'll soon tire of them and spend most of the film wondering what form of sorcery was used to convince so many recognisable faces to take part.

Explosions: None.
Swords: Countless.
Cute females: Three.
Boomerangs that defy the laws of physics: One.
Ways the film could be improved: Plenty. (Almost anything would work. For instance, how about some Scooby-Doo? Matthew Lillard doesn't look right without a computer-animated dog next to him.)

Rating: 2/5.

Labels: action (vol.4), fantasy, film review (vol.6)

 
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  Hancock (DVD)

Starring: Will Smith, Charlize Theron, Jason Bateman and one of the most ill-conceived plot twists in cinematic history.

Rated: 12.

Story: Hancock (Smith) is immortal, invulnerable, super strong and able to fly. He's also an irritable drunk who's quick to take offence and who doesn't care if he creates a big hole in the road every time he lands. His attempts to help people always end in disaster and swearing.

Then he saves the life of a philanthropic PR man (Bateman) who offers to clean up his image. After a little amusing rehab, everything goes downhill...

Comments: Hancock starts out in a promising fashion. It completely breaks from the Spider-Man superhero movie template of girlfriend trouble -> superpower -> little fight -> angst-ridden girlfriend trouble -> big fight -> pose-striking finish. There's no sitting around for half an hour waiting for Hancock to gain his powers and master them - it's straight to car-smashing chaos. Hurrah!

Sadly, it doesn't last. The idea is great but the execution has no conviction. You'd imagine there'd be plenty of comic potential in the concept of a superhero who's lacking in self control, manners and personal hygiene, but the laughs quickly die out. All too soon, Hancock evolves from scumbag to X-Man wannabe and there's half an hour of sitting around as he masters his powers and we learn how he gained them.

The change of tack almost exactly coincides with a cataclysmic plot twist which destroys the movie entirely. Suddenly the film goes from mildly entertaining superhero comedy to straight superhero action flick. It's not even a good superhero action flick. There seems to be an attempt to fit every mistake possible into forty-five minutes - there's angst, a dull CGI fight, nonsensical limitations to Hancock's power, tiresome brooding, a lack of a proper villain and a schmaltzy happy ending (with posing). Gah!

For once, a sequel stands little chance of redeeming matters. It would be Superman with added Will Smith, wisecracks and swearing. Not a hugely enticing prospect...

Conclusion: You've already seen the good bits in the trailer.

Explosions: Not many. Stuff tends to get smashed rather than going boom.
Jokes: Essentially one (and even the writers give up on it halfway through).
Missed opportunities: Several.
For the kids?: Totally not.
For anyone?: Maybe... but there's probably something better on TV.

Rating: 2/5.

Labels: action (vol.4), fantasy, film review (vol.6)

 
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  Iron Man (DVD)

Starring: Robert Downey Jr & Gwyneth Paltrow.

Rated: 12.

Story: Wise-cracking playboy and electronics genius, Tony Stark, is captured by a local warlord in Afghanistan while doing a demo of his company's latest missile technology. The warlord demands Stark makes him some of the missiles. Instead, Stark escapes by making a rocket-powered exo-skeleton out of a couple of bazookas and a tin can.

Irritated that his company's weapons are falling into the wrong hands, Stark builds a better suit to become a superhero and put things right.

Meanwhile, the original suit falls into the wrong hands...

Comments: Finally someone's heard my constant moaning about angst-ridden superheroes who spend all their time complaining and/or doing their laundry. Stark is arrogant, funny and the life of the party. Being played by Robert Downey Jr, he's also charming with it and entertaining to watch (unlike Hayden Christensen in Jumper). At last, a superhero who actually quite enjoys it and gets on with smashing things.

I've still got a couple of gripes, though:

1. Why does the first superhero film in a franchise always have to deal with how the hero became super? I really don't care. It's not like it ever makes sense anyway. Is it really possible to build advanced servo-systems in a cave in Afghanistan using a hammer and anvil while recovering from a major injury? I don't think so.

It would be much better if the whole issue was dealt with in a couple of flashbacks somewhere in the middle and the plot simply went straight for explosions and smashing. That worked well enough for Batman.

2. Superheroes fighting their evil alter-ego isn't very interesting. Lately, we've had Hulk vs Abomination, Spider-Man vs Venom and Iron Man vs ... er... Other Iron Man. Unsurprisingly, these battles between combatants with similar powers tend towards stalemate until the hero gets clever or desperate. They're never as much fun as fights between characters with diverse abilities.

Not to mention that the concept of equally matched adversaries was pretty much fully exploited in Superman 2 twenty years ago.

Still, Downey Jr is great and at least this is trying something different from yet another re-run of Spider-Man.

Conclusion: Not bad but it would have been even better if they'd just skipped this one and started with a sequel.

Explosions: Big and everywhere.
Quips: Frequent.
Unlikely science: Prevalent.
Totally implausible feats of engineering: Almost constant.
Angst: Thankfully absent.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: fantasy, film review (vol.6), sci-fi

 
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  Dragonlance: Dragons of Autumn Twilight (DVD)

Starring: The voices of Kiefer Sutherland, Michael Rosenbaum, Lucy Lawless and Michelle Trachtenberg.

Rated: 12.

Story: The evil dragon goddess is intent upon conquering the world of Krynn and a motley band of adventurers must hunt out the necessary magical gizmos required to defeat her.

It's like The Lord of the Rings with dwarves.

Er, no, hang on... It's like The Lord of the Rings with a mysterious old wizard who falls down a deep pit.

Erm...

With a very short thief? Nope. A forest full of arrogant elves? That won't do either...

I know! Dragons! It's like The Lord of the Rings with dragons...

...and, er, the worst animation this side of 1990.

Comments: I have fond memories of reading the original Dragonlance trilogy as a teenager. They're a fantasy epic involving plenty of battles, numerous imaginative locations and a set up based on Dungeons & Dragons. Discovering they'd made an animated movie of the first book promised a nostalgic return to my youth without the effort of actually having to read hundreds of pages of text.

Sadly, things didn't quite turn out that way...

Dragons of Autumn Twilight simply doesn't work as a film. Cramming the whole book into 100 minutes leads to a frantic scramble from one battle to the next. Having about a dozen main characters doesn't help either. Most of them barely get a line or two per scene and seem defined by a brief checklist of idiosyncrasies picked up from a quick flick through the novels. Flint the dwarf: Allergic to horses and gets teased about being old. Check. Tasslehoff the diminutive thief: Short and steals things. Check. Raistlin the magic user: Suspicious, sickly (cough, cough!) and stained yellow. Check. Etc.

Sutherland and Trachtenberg do a great job with voice acting but this merely emphasises how little their characters get to say. Lawless is stuck with some ropey dialogue. Rosenbaum gets a bigger role than the others (Tanis) but is unconvincing.

All this might be forgivable, or at least tolerable, if the film was a visual spectacle. Unfortunately, on a technical level, Dragonlance is an abomination. The animation is jerky and there's a blurriness to the visuals that would have made me take out the tape and shake it if I'd been watching on VHS. Meanwhile, the points where computer-generated 3D monsters turn up and interact with the (very flat looking) 2D of the rest of the film are laughably awful. It all gives the impression it was made in 1989 and then underwent a shoddy conversion from the North American NTSC TV format to PAL. That it was released in 2008 is unbelievable.

Rather than scratch the nostalgia itch, the movie just made me want to read the books again. I'd have been better off skimming through the synopses on Wikipedia...

Conclusion: If you loved the books, you'll want to watch this to the end. You'll wish you hadn't bothered starting in the first place, though.

Explosions: Quite a few but you could have something more spectacular up on YouTube in half an hour with only the aid of three matches, a webcam and a potato.
Dragons: Loads. These look slightly better than the explosions. (You'd need an entire box of matches and two potatoes.)
Redeeming features: Er... After this, they're unlikely to inflict the sequels on us.

Rating: 2/5 if you enjoyed the books, else 1/5.

Labels: action (vol.4), fantasy, film review (vol.6)

 
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  Stardust (DVD)

Starring: Claire Danes (the vet from Terminator 3), Charlie Cox, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert De Niro, Sienna Miller & Ricky Gervais.

Rated: PG.

Story: In a small Victorian-esque town, Tristran (Cox) attempts to win the heart of the love of his life (Miller) by tracking down a fallen star and bringing back a piece. This leads him into the magical kingdom of Stormhold which is hiding through a gap in a dry-stone wall.

Before long, he's competing with evil witches, murderous princes and gender-confused pirates to claim the prize.

Comments: This is a great fairy tale for the whole family. There are some lessons on identity, ambition and dreams but the film never takes itself too seriously. Whimsical humour mixes with beautiful scenery, restrained special effects, decent action and a whole load of imagination.

Apart from a handful of minor imperfections, the film is superb from beginning to end. Claire Danes over-emotes on occasion in an annoying, head-bobbing kind of way. Also Tristran turns from zero to hero rather unconvincingly - it's too fast to be believable but not over-played enough to quite work as parody. Oh, and Ricky Gervais is in it. (Fortunately, he only turns up for a couple of scenes before coming to a sticky end but you'll still want to slap him.)

These niggles are only really apparent because the rest of the film is so fantastic, however. Go watch Stardust now.

Conclusion: Almost as good as a sequel to The Princess Bride.

Explosions: Only one but a host of other effects compensate.
Michelle Pfeiffer's make-up: Thick.
Suitable for the wife?: Definitely.
Suitable for the kids?: Probably. (Slapstick and magic will keep them entertained but under-fives will need a cuddle in the scary bits.)
Suitable for inhabitants of Ipswich?: Maybe... although they might take one bit a little personally...

Rating: 5/5.

Labels: action (vol.4), family, fantasy, film review (vol.5), film review (vol.6)

 
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  10,000 BC (DVD)

Starring: Some mammoths.

Rated: 12.

Story: A village of mammoth hunters is attacked by a more advanced civilisation who cart off half the tribe to slavery. A small group of warriors set out to free their friends.

On the way, they discover navigation, farming and enormous birds with very sharp beaks.

Comments: There are almost no films set in prehistoric times. Since humans and dinosaurs never co-existed, what's the point? A good action story requires guns, cars or giant lizards. Fact.

At least, you have to imagine that's the thought which runs through the heads of Hollywood producers most of the time.

Sadly, they may not be entirely wrong. Despite a lack of competition, 10,000 BC doesn't have two original ideas to rub together in the pursuit of fire. Almost every scene is reminiscent of other (superior) films: Dances with Wolves, Apocalypto, Jurassic Park, 300, Lord of the Rings, The Scorpion King and, oddly, Waterworld.

10,000 BC is reasonably entertaining while it lasts but lacking in memorable moments that haven't been done better elsewhere.

Conclusion: In a few weeks, I'll have convinced myself that Kevin Costner is in it.

Explosions: None.
Historical accuracy: Little.
Mammoths: Woolly.
Giant lizards: Not enough.
Top tip: Go watch Apocalypto instead.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action (vol.4), fantasy, film review (vol.5), quick

 
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  Cloverfield (DVD)

Starring: Some highly expendable young, beautiful people and the Statue of Liberty's head.

Rated: 15.

Story: A party in Manhattan goes downhill when New York gets invaded by a giant creature and its tiny chums. A small group of the party-goers run around screaming as one of them records events using a handheld video camera. Lots of things blow up.

Yep, it's The Blair Witch Project meets Godzilla.

Comments: There really isn't much to say. If the story sounds good, then you'll probably enjoy it. Just remember to rent something else as well, since the film's only 80 minutes long. Ten minutes of that is credits and first twenty are scene-setting and character development. Fortunately, what's in between is tense and thrilling. It doesn't always make sense but it's more plausible than CSI: New York (even taking into account the twenty-storey mutant bat monster).

Conclusion: Fun while it lasts.

Explosions: Absolutely loads.
Wonky camera: Constant.
Sudden, abrupt ending?:

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action (vol.3), fantasy, film review (vol.5), quick

 
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  Kung Fu Panda

Starring: Jack Black, Dustin Hoffman, Angelina Jolie, Lucy Liu, Jackie Chan, etc, etc.

(They all do fine but you won't recognise half of them until the credits. It's like the makers rounded up every famous name they could, in an effort to maximise their Google hits. Was it really necessary?)

Rated: PG.

Story: It's the classic tale of an over-weight panda overcoming adversity to learn Kung Fu in an attempt to save his village from an evil snow leopard and discover his inner butt-kicking Dragon Warrior.

Comments: Contrary to expectations, this isn't awful or full of fart gags. Admittedly, most of the laughs stem from a fat panda falling over but, in a sea of indistinguishable computer-animated movies, sometimes you have to find amusement where you can...

Kung Fu Panda is actually one of the better CGI films I've seen in a while. It's fast-paced and avoids the dull over-indulgence of efforts like Cars and Ratatouille. More than that, it takes advantage of the whole animated, cuddly animal concept. It features a host of outlandish and physically impossible feats and fights. Done with human beings (animated or otherwise) it would look stupid but because it's all snakes and tigers and, er, pandas, suspension of disbelief is much easier. It's possible to sit back and enjoy the spectacle without sniggering at the daftness.

The only real disappointment is the somewhat confused message. It appears to be, 'You don't need to be special to be special.' Except the story is all about a panda who can learn Kung Fu in an afternoon - that's pretty special whatever way you look at it. Meanwhile, the characters who've put the effort in and trained all their lives to make themselves special get smacked into the dirt. Eh?

Ho well, the plot moves along quickly enough to plaster over the cracks. For a movie you feel probably stemmed from a title brain-storming session, it's pretty entertaining.

Writer 1: Dare-devil Dinosaur?
Producer: Too generic.
Writer 2: Rodeo Ostrich?
Producer: Too niche.
Writer 1: Karate Kid?
Producer: Been done.
Writer 2: Not with goats.
Producer: Forget it.
Writer 1: Parachute Elephant?
Producer: Pardon?
Writer 2: Judo Space Monkey?
Producer: Too obvious.
Writer 1: Kung Fu Panda?
Producer: Yes! Go make it! Do you think we can get Jackie Chan involved?

Conclusion: If the kids decide to watch this every day for a month when it comes out on DVD, I can live with that.

Explosions: Some comic firework accidents.
Infeasible displays of acrobatics: Countless.
Wise old turtles: One.
Points made using peach metaphors: Several.
Noodles: Plenty.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action (vol.3), comedy, family, fantasy, film review (vol.5)

 
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  Indiana Jones
and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Starring: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Shia LaBeouf, Karen Allen, Ray Winstone, John Hurt and Jim Broadbent.

Rated: 12A. (My eight-year-old was a little scared in places but the main issue was that the historical setting and exposition left him totally lost. Although he enjoyed the film, he spent most of it asking me what was going on.)

Story: Having made a huge mountain of cash from the Star Wars prequels, George Lucas decides it's time to start recycling other ideas. Leaving Howard the Duck for a different occasion, he opts for a fourth Indiana Jones film. He wakes Harrison Ford from his afternoon nap and they get creaking cracking.

The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is set in 1957 and features Soviet enemies, McCarthyism, a young sidekick, an old flame, some hugely unlikely escapes and a cast-off plot from a science fiction B-movie.



Comments: It's a new Indiana Jones film! Hurrah! It actually looks and feels like one as well, with proper stunts, returning characters, back references and plenty of whip-cracking, tomb-raiding action. Harrison Ford even almost manages to not look too old.

Unfortunately, the film is self-conscious of these things with rather too much pointed looking back and a selection of 'we're not as young as we used to be' jokes. Meanwhile, some preposterous action sequences and the ropey plot are played straight as if there is nothing remotely dubious about them. Since after only a quarter of an hour, Indy should really have died twice and the story has already moved into improbability, it's a case of sitting back and just soaking in the atmosphere.

Happily, The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull isn't awful but it does rather trade on nostalgia to get by. Without the history of the franchise behind it, it wouldn't stand up to much scrutiny - it doesn't make sense in places and is totally daft in others. Still, it is a new Indiana Jones movie... If you liked the other ones, you'll be entertained by this. There's no need to rush out to the cinema, though. Feel free to wait for the DVD release.

Conclusion: Better than the Star Wars prequels but not as good as the LEGO.

Explosions: A single very, very large one.
References to the previous films: Dozens.
Number of bullets fired at Indiana Jones by crack Soviet troops: Hundreds.
Number of bullets that actually hit Indiana Jones: None.
Disparity in these numbers: Large.
Improbable uses of a fridge: One.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action (vol.3), family, fantasy, film review (vol.5)

 
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  Beowulf (DVD)

Starring: Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Brendan Gleeson, Robin Wright Penn and... Angelina Jolie wearing nothing but a thick coat of gold paint and a tail.

Rated: 12.

Story: Long ago in Scandinavia, a hero takes on all-comers in the pursuit of honour, glory and inappropriate women. He becomes seduced by his own publicity. Disaster ensues. He takes his frustration out on a passing dragon.

Comments: Just when I'd given up hope of ever getting to watch a proper superhero, one pops out of the Dark Ages to yell loudly in my ear, swim faster than a speeding sea-serpent and leap tall monsters with a single bound... sometimes naked, simply for the hell of it.

Beowulf revels in his own heroics. He jumps around smiting things. On a good day, he uses his momentum from smacking one creature about to vault straight onto another. There's no dilemma over who he really is; no quandaries over a secret identity. "I am Beowulf!" he roars at every available opportunity.

He is flawed and ultimately miserable but he doesn't let this get in the way of whacking enormous monsters with sharp, pointy things... or ripping them apart with his bare hands.

They don't tell stories about heroes like this any more.

Not that they ever did, actually. Beowulf the computer-animated movie takes plenty of liberties with Beowulf the Old English epic poem. Most notably, it works on the premise that Beowulf's own uncorroborated account of his battle with Grendel's Mother is somewhat embroidered. (Translation: He's lying through his teeth.) This brings a tragic element to events and paints Beowulf far more darkly. Personally, I think the concept works well, producing a modern structure while preserving the fantastical nature of events. I suspect some people will be annoyed, though.

Sadly, a few bizarre design choices and technical difficulties stop the film from meeting its full potential.

The rendering of inanimate objects is spectacular but, as ever, the people appear less impressive. It's simply much harder to make pictures of people look real than it is to make a castle look convincing. This isn't helped by some wooden animation in places. Suspension of disbelief is easier, however, where the characters in the film closely resemble the real life actors doing the voices. Unfortunately, Beowulf looks nothing like Ray Winstone. I found the disparity between face and voice jarring for most of the film.

There are some occasional Old English words to add a touch of historical colour but often they make the dialogue hard to follow. The accent of the monster Grendel is such that his speech is difficult to make out at all. It's also off-putting that one of the characters has been made overtly Christian for no particular reason and yet his motivation varies unsympathetically between dubious and unfathomable.

The weirdest moment, though, is where Beowulf removes all his armour to make his fight fair with the unarmed Grendel. You would have thought a loincloth or something wouldn't have been too much of an advantage. But no... There follows an unintentionally hilarious sequence of discretely placed elbows and swords to protect Beowulf's modesty. I can only imagine what the giggle factor was like in the IMAX 3D version...

Still, the tale is well told and enthralling. The plentiful action sequences are superb. If you can forgive the rough edges and don't mind the alterations from the original, it's an epic adventure.

Beowulf makes short work of beating Spider-Man to a pulp before pulling its legs off.

Conclusion: At last! A proper superhero movie!

Explosions: None (unless you count fiery dragon breath).
Silly costumes involving wearing underpants on the outside: None.
Underpants in general: Not quite enough.
Tedious angst: Mercifully brief.
Monster smiting: Plenty.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: fantasy, film review (vol.4), film review (vol.5)

 
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  Spider-Man 3 (DVD)

Starring: Tobey Maguire & Kirsten Dunst.

Rated: 12.

Story: Peter Parker tries to balance the adoration he receives as Spider-Man with various crises in his day-to-day existence. He's broke, his job's at risk, his best friend hates him and he's pushing his girlfriend away. In the middle of it all, he has to deal with a supervillain bitten by some radioactive sand, wrestle his own costume (which has been taken over by an alien) and survive a nasty outbreak of romantic comedy...

Comments: I saw a trailer for Superhero Movie the other day. Its attempt to parody the superhero genre seemed to mainly involve taking the original Spider-Man film and adding lots of extra falling over. On first sight, this seemed a little lame, considering the number of overblown superhero films we've had in recent years. Maybe, though, it's a dig at the fact that Spider-Man is the template from which the others have been created. Batman started the whole miserable, conflicted superhero thing but that has plenty of gadgets, action and Jack Nicholson. It's Spider-Man that made the angst as central as the action and then upped the spectacle with vast amounts of computer-generated mayhem to compensate for the tedium. This has infected everything from Hulk to The Fantastic Four. Even the new Superman and Batman have angst. Take the mick out of Spider-Man and you take the mick out of them all.

I want to sit the makers of superhero movies down and force them to watch a dozen episodes of Ben 10. It's a cartoon about Ben Tennyson, a ten-year-old boy who discovers a watch that can turn him into various superpowered aliens, allowing him to save the world. The episodes are full of explosions and adventure but, because Ben is ten, he doesn't have angst - when he's not fighting villains he uses his powers to play pranks on his cousin. He actually likes being a superhero. It's refreshing.

Interestingly, the live-action Ben 10: Race against Time movie features Ben returning home from his summer-long villain fighting vacation. He has to deal with fitting back into school, concealing his powers and not being popular. He even has to come up with an act for the school variety show. In short, he gets lumbered with a whole load of angst. In compensation for this tedium, there's some very impressive computer-generated mayhem.

Argh!

It's all just too upsetting...

Predictably, Spider-Man 3 doesn't mess with the formula and continues where the other two left off. Yep, excellent computer-animated action sequences are padded out with a little romance, a touch of slapstick and a large amount of angst as Peter Parker tries to work out who he is as his 9 to 5 life goes down the tubes. (Again.)

The script is somehow both stuffed full of plot and quite plodding. This results in lots going on but poor character development. Half an hour of cringe-worthy comedy and heart-to-heart conversations could be lost without making the motivations of most of the characters seem any less plausible than they already are.

All in all, Spider-Man 3 will do. The cast manage OK with what they're given and the action (particularly with Sandman) is great but this is getting tired. If there's going to be another Spider-Man movie, it really needs to take itself less seriously, spread out the action and cut down on the soul-searching. I've said it before and I'll no doubt have to say it again:

Less angst, more smashing.

Thank you.

Conclusion: A bit more falling over and the franchise would be a parody of itself.

Explosions: Some.
Wise-cracking: Almost none.
Swinging from roof tops: Not enough.
Main characters being slapped about for stupidity: Definitely not enough.
Villains: A small puddle of tar, big pile of sand and a large dose of self-absorbed idiocy.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action (vol.3), fantasy, film review (vol.4), sci-fi, sci-fi (vol.1)

 
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  Bridge to Terabithia (DVD)

Starring: Terminator 2, the older brother from Zathura, Trillian and the inflating gum-chewer from Charlie and the Cholocate Factory.

Rated: PG.

Story: Jesse (Josh Hutcherson) is in the fifth-grade. He feels under-appreciated at home, gets bullied at school and has a crush on his music teacher (Zooey Deschanel). Life isn't great. Then he meets new girl Leslie (Anna Sophia Robb). She's cute but crazy as an umbrella made of cheese. They create an imaginary, fantasy kingdom in the middle of the woods. Their experiences there help them deal with and overcome their everyday problems.

Comments: If all you know about Bridge to Terabithia is what you saw in the adverts, then this isn't the film you're expecting. It's not the Golden Labyrinth of Narnia where a ten-year-old decides that life sucks but then discovers a magical world where they learn to value themselves and others. This is a movie where a ten-year-old decides that life sucks and then discovers that life really, really sucks but learns to get over it by imagining trolls.

On its own terms, it's an affecting tale of children struggling to cope with isolation, criticism and bereavement. It's difficult to view Bridge to Terabithia without a host of expectations brought about by countless other films and its own advertising campaign, however. These expectations make the few short sequences of CGI confusing. I'm pretty sure the animated sections are there just to show the audience what the kids are imagining and I don't think they're meant to imply that the magical kingdom is 'real' but I'm not certain because I'm so used to films with actual elves and pixies, talking lions and Quidditch. I kept having to suspend my suspension of disbelief. This was slightly painful. The problem was made worse by my children constantly asking what was going on and which bits were pretend. I simply didn't know the answers, which simply made them ask all the harder.

Then the last half an hour turned out to be incredibly sad and I had to deal with a whole load of other questions.

I spent much of the film wondering where it was going. Even the end left me bemused because it's hard to work out the message. I suspect the general idea is that we all need a safe place to hide away from the world and that it's good to pretend and imagine. Unfortunately, the beautiful CGI blurs the line between a tactical withdrawal into day-dream and a full-scale retreat into delusion.

My eldest is nearly eight and the film was a bit over his head. He's never much been into make-believe, which didn't help, but the movie is probably more suitable for older children. Bear in mind that they could find it emotionally traumatic, though, so you might want to watch it with them.

Conclusion: A decent family drama that doesn't do what it says on the tin.

Explosions: None.
Bullies: Some.
Ending: Confused.
Sympathetic teacher, crotchety teacher and annoying younger sister: All present and correct.
Killer squirrels: Several... or none. Or maybe several and none. Who knows if they're really there? Perhaps they're quantum squirrels - only there if you think they're there and spending the rest of the time hanging out with Schrodinger's Cat. Don't ask me - I'm off to watch The Goblet of Fire.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: drama, family, fantasy, fantasy (vol.1), film review (vol.4)

 
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