Stuff for Dads

  Stardust (DVD)

Starring: Claire Danes (the vet from Terminator 3), Charlie Cox, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert De Niro, Sienna Miller & Ricky Gervais.

Rated: PG.

Story: In a small Victorian-esque town, Tristran (Cox) attempts to win the heart of the love of his life (Miller) by tracking down a fallen star and bringing back a piece. This leads him into the magical kingdom of Stormhold which is hiding through a gap in a dry-stone wall.

Before long, he's competing with evil witches, murderous princes and gender-confused pirates to claim the prize.

Comments: This is a great fairy tale for the whole family. There are some lessons on identity, ambition and dreams but the film never takes itself too seriously. Whimsical humour mixes with beautiful scenery, restrained special effects, decent action and a whole load of imagination.

Apart from a handful of minor imperfections, the film is superb from beginning to end. Claire Danes over-emotes on occasion in an annoying, head-bobbing kind of way. Also Tristran turns from zero to hero rather unconvincingly - it's too fast to be believable but not over-played enough to quite work as parody. Oh, and Ricky Gervais is in it. (Fortunately, he only turns up for a couple of scenes before coming to a sticky end but you'll still want to slap him.)

These niggles are only really apparent because the rest of the film is so fantastic, however. Go watch Stardust now.

Conclusion: Almost as good as a sequel to The Princess Bride.

Explosions: Only one but a host of other effects compensate.
Michelle Pfeiffer's make-up: Thick.
Suitable for the wife?: Definitely.
Suitable for the kids?: Probably. (Slapstick and magic will keep them entertained but under-fives will need a cuddle in the scary bits.)
Suitable for inhabitants of Ipswich?: Maybe... although they might take one bit a little personally...

Rating: 5/5.

Labels: action (vol.4), family, fantasy, film review (vol.5), film review (vol.6)

 
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  10,000 BC (DVD)

Starring: Some mammoths.

Rated: 12.

Story: A village of mammoth hunters is attacked by a more advanced civilisation who cart off half the tribe to slavery. A small group of warriors set out to free their friends.

On the way, they discover navigation, farming and enormous birds with very sharp beaks.

Comments: There are almost no films set in prehistoric times. Since humans and dinosaurs never co-existed, what's the point? A good action story requires guns, cars or giant lizards. Fact.

At least, you have to imagine that's the thought which runs through the heads of Hollywood producers most of the time.

Sadly, they may not be entirely wrong. Despite a lack of competition, 10,000 BC doesn't have two original ideas to rub together in the pursuit of fire. Almost every scene is reminiscent of other (superior) films: Dances with Wolves, Apocalypto, Jurassic Park, 300, Lord of the Rings, The Scorpion King and, oddly, Waterworld.

10,000 BC is reasonably entertaining while it lasts but lacking in memorable moments that haven't been done better elsewhere.

Conclusion: In a few weeks, I'll have convinced myself that Kevin Costner is in it.

Explosions: None.
Historical accuracy: Little.
Mammoths: Woolly.
Giant lizards: Not enough.
Top tip: Go watch Apocalypto instead.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action (vol.4), fantasy, film review (vol.5), quick

 
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  Vantage Point (DVD)

Starring: Dennis Quaid, Forest Whitaker, William Hurt, Sigourney Weaver and an escapee from Lost.

Rated: 12.

Story: It turns out that there's someone less lucky than Jack Bauer. On his first day back at work after taking a bullet for the President, a Secret Service agent (Quaid) finds himself slap bang in the middle of another assassination attempt.

Comments: Vantage Point endeavours to show different perspectives in a terrorist attack by playing the main event over and over from the point of view of various characters. Unfortunately, all this really means is that the action rewinds twenty minutes every time things start to get interesting.

The terrorists' motivations are never explored and nothing much seems to be gained from all the different angles. On top of that, the ending involves too much coincidence and the whole thing winds up feeling as plausible and enlightening as a couple of episodes of 24.

Conclusion: A simple story told in a very complicated way. Slick but nowhere near as clever as it wants to be.

Explosions: Two every fifteen minutes (but that's mostly the same two).
Dubious motivations: Several.
Implausible moments: Plenty.
Obvious but unlikely plot twists: One.
Life lesson: Don't 'rescue' lost children by taking them away from where their mum last saw them and then leave them next to a busy road. You may mean well, but it's just not helpful...

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action (vol.4), film review (vol.5), quick, thriller

 
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  Alien vs Predator 2 - Requiem (DVD)

Starring: A Predator, a whole stack of Aliens and various beautiful people waiting around to be lunch.

Rated: 15.

Story: A Predator spaceship crashes on Earth and some Alien specimens escape near a small American town. Another Predator arrives to clean up the mess and keep it all secret. Lots of people get minced.

Comments: Aliens and Predators fighting each other should be the best thing ever.

It's not. It's mainly dark and confusing and not very involving.

The antics of the humans trying to get out the way are more interesting but are relatively indistinguishable from the antics of the humans trying to get out of the way of vampires, zombies and giant lizards in a score of other films... apart from the bit in the maternity ward - that's probably worth skipping if you've got a new arrival due any time soon...

Conclusion: A film you've seen a dozen times before but with the addition of everyone's two favourite psychotic extra-terrestrial species. Could be worse. (Have you seen Alien Resurrection, for instance?)

Explosions: Lots.
Pregnant women: Several.
Housedads: One.
Scenes in which the housedad doesn't get eaten: Two.
Life lesson: If you're going to stand next to a window and say to a child, "Look! See! No monsters," remember to at least glance out the window first.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action (vol.4), film review (vol.5), horror, quick, sci-fi

 
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  The Condemned (DVD)

Starring: Vinnie Jones & Steve Austin.

Rated: 18.

Story: Ten death row criminals from around the world are dumped onto a small South American island. They're promised that the last one left alive will receive their freedom. For only $49.99, subscribers get to watch the ensuing carnage live on the internet.

Liberals across the globe wring their hands in horror but then cough up fifty dollars for 'research purposes' anyway. Inevitably, it all ends in explosions.

Comments: There's a long history of people whacking each other round the head while other people pay to watch. From gladiatorial games to Medieval tournaments to modern-day boxing, the combat has generally got less fatal over the years but there have always been people keen to watch a good fight.

The Condemned makes the point that giving all the contestants on Big Brother machetes would do wonders for the ratings but turn the participants, producers and viewers into monsters. Brutal violence isn't entertainment. It's violent and brutal. Don't encourage it.

Well, unless it is entertainment, of course...

It's probably safe to say that watching real people blow each other up on grainy CCTV footage isn't good for you, even if they are psycho criminals. This point gets a little muddied, however, when wrapped up in brutal high definition fight scenes slickly choreographed to be entertaining. Keeping watching can be uncomfortable as the distinction between fantasy and reality becomes blurred. Whether this is genius or confusion is difficult to tell, though.

The film just manages to push through its self-contradictions but is let down by an ending which descends into stock action movie territory of an American hero meting out explosive 'justice'. Ultimately, The Condemned isn't quite as clever as it should be.

Luckily, it has lots of violence to keep everyone entertained...

Conclusion: A good action movie that could have been a classic with a little more thought. Instead, it comes close to tearing itself apart.

Explosions: Plenty.
Moral confusion: Some.
Vinnie Jones: Too much.
Steve Austin: Surprisingly competent.
Important life lessons: If you're going to dump a load of psychos on an island to kill each other, don't give them explosives and then hang around to watch...

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action (vol.3), action (vol.4), film review (vol.5)

 
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  A summer of film

I've been too busy reviewing diced onion and LEGO to keep up with all the films I've been watching recently. Here's a quick rundown of most of the flicks that have had a chance to warp my mind in the last few months. Some were good, some were bad and one was Jumper:

I am Legend (15) - Will Smith is the last man left alive in the crumbling, zombie-infested remains of New York. He attempts to find a cure for zombie-itis while trying not to go mad from isolation.

It's essentially 28 Days Later with a bigger budget, increased action and much, much more Will Smith. Very tense in places. 4/5.

Ghost Rider (15)- That age old dilemma: you've paid Nicolas Cage a whole heap of money to star in your movie and you want to show him off, yet you've cast him as a character with a digitally altered voice and a flaming skull for a head. How do you get your money's worth? Have him wander around looking normal but consumed by angst for most of the movie, of course! Then make all the CGI action scenes entirely over the top to compensate.

Peter Fonda gets handed the role of the Devil himself and yet still manages to turn in a performance barely less comatose than in Thomas and the Magic Railroad.

Nonetheless, it all rattles along in a daft, nonsensical kind of way. Passable. 3/5.

National Treasure 2 - Book of Secrets (PG)- A second dose of Mission: Impossible meets The Goonies. It's a non-stop romp but totally ludicrous. It's about as likely as finding the lost Ark of the Covenant in your sock drawer... only to discover it was put there by Abe Lincoln as a cryptic signpost to King Solomon's mines.

Enjoy it but don't think about it. 3/5.

No Country for Old Men (15) - As with most Coen brothers movies, it starts in the middle, ends in the middle and has lots of middle in between. It's very entertaining middle, though. Just don't expect much closure. 4/5.

Jumper (12) - There must be a great film to be made about a person who can teleport anywhere at will. This isn't it. Makes Ghost Rider look like Faust. 2/5.

The Bourne Ultimatum (12)- Better than the second one but not as good as the first one. Almost devoid of character and memorable moments, however. You might be as well off watching the first one again. 3/5.

Hitman (15) - The best videogame to movie conversion so far? Possibly. As good as playing Hitman: Blood Money on 360? Not even close. 3/5.

Arlington Road (15) - Jeff Bridges starts to think his neighbours are crackpot terrorists. No one believes him. Is he going mad from grief over the death of his wife or is he about to get caught up in a hugely implausible plot to blow up the FBI?

Take a guess. 2/5.

Enchanted (PG) - The kids get to watch a decent movie about a cartoon princess who is banished to the real world. You get to watch Amy Adams. Result. The film is slightly too caught up in cleverly referencing Disney's entire back catalogue when it should be being funny but it's still good.

Like Shrek played straight. 4/5.

That's it for now. Coming soon - a whole load of games that I only played for an hour or so before getting fed up.

Be afraid.

Labels: film review (vol.5)

 
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  Be Kind Rewind (DVD)

Starring: Jack Black, Danny Glover, Mos Def (Ford Prefect from Hitchhiker's Guide) & Melonie Diaz (who's been in lots of worthy sounding films that I've never heard of. This should maybe have been a clue...)

Rated: 12.

Story: A nutty conspiracy theorist (Black) magnetises himself in a hugely unlikely fashion and wipes all the VHS tapes in the video store where his friend (Mos Def) helps out. In a panic, they remake the movies themselves using whatever props they can cobble together. Gradually they rope in the rest of the community to help out.

Comments: I haven't been so shamelessly and blatantly mis-sold a movie since Bridge to Terabithia. The trailer concentrates on the DIY films, featuring amusing clips of homemade versions of Ghostbusters and Robocop and Rush Hour 2. It makes Be Kind Rewind look like a manic comedy poking fun at Hollywood blockbusters.

The film is actually more of a drama than a comedy, and off-the-wall rather than funny i.e. it's totally daft and occasionally dull. Most of the plot revolves around the main characters' attempts to save a video store that is insolvent, falling down and almost devoid of stock (even before the bonkers 'magnetic man' incident). Yeah, it's nice when everyone starts working together and they discover their creative talents, but you can't help feeling there must be a better goal they could aim for. Does anyone really want to rent Ghostbusters on VHS?

The homemade movie clips are pretty few and far between. They're easily the best bit of the film but you'll have seen the highlights in the trailer. I'm guessing you could turn up stuff that's even better with a quick trip to YouTube. These clips would have the added advantage of not featuring Jack Black.

I can't remember Mos Def's performance in The Hitchhiker's Guide. I suspect I won't remember his performance in this by the end of the week. Danny Glover is as entertaining to watch as usual, though.

It's all just a bit of a mess really. Be Kind Rewind doesn't know what it wants to be or why. In fairness, it's never awful but, then again, it's seldom particularly good either. While my wife and I were halfway through watching, our AV-switcher had a spasm and lost the signal from the DVD player. We were dumped into the middle of The Matador, starring Pierce Brosnan, which was on TV and neither of us had seen. Probably the biggest indictment of Be Kind Rewind's confused nature is that it was over five minutes before we realised this was what had happened...

Conclusion: Wait until someone does a homemade remake and posts it on the internet. Watch that instead.

Explosions: One.
Improbable events: Plenty.
Creative use of tinsel and double-sided sticky tape: Excellent.
Villains: Developers, lawyers, DVDs and a cat.
Unlikely discoveries: Inserting random sections of other movies into this one actually improves it.

Rating: 2/5.

Labels: comedy, drama, film review (vol.5)

 
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  Thomas and the Magic Railroad (DVD)

Starring: Peter Fonda, Mara Wilson & Alec Baldwin.

Rated: U but I'm not sure why - it's unsuitable for viewing by human beings of any age.

Story: On the Island Of Sodor, evil diesel trains are attempting to take over. Thomas, the other steam engines and Mr Conductor (Baldwin) must stop them. This involves some very unconvincing models and a hunt for magic gold dust. Meanwhile, back in the normal world, Lily (Wilson) must unravel the secret behind her grandfather's (Fonda) unhappiness. It transpires he's contractually bound to appear in a dreadful kid's movie and can't find a way out.

Comments: Admittedly, the Thomas the Tank Engine stories are pretty dull but I'm not sure spicing them up with slapstick, magic and telephones made from flowers was really the way to go. The whole thing is still extremely tedious but will probably annoy Thomas fans along with everyone else.

The acting is pretty awful. Fonda only seems half alive for much of the movie while Baldwin tries too hard. Wilson out-performs both of them. Actually, even the model trains out-perform Fonda...

Conclusion: I'm off to hide our copy so the kids can't find it.

Explosions: None.
Liberties taken with the source material: Several.
Number of times the kids have made me watch this: Plenty.
Number of times they've paid attention for more than ten minutes: Two.

Rating: 1/5.

Labels: family, film review (vol.5), quick

 
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  Cloverfield (DVD)

Starring: Some highly expendable young, beautiful people and the Statue of Liberty's head.

Rated: 15.

Story: A party in Manhattan goes downhill when New York gets invaded by a giant creature and its tiny chums. A small group of the party-goers run around screaming as one of them records events using a handheld video camera. Lots of things blow up.

Yep, it's The Blair Witch Project meets Godzilla.

Comments: There really isn't much to say. If the story sounds good, then you'll probably enjoy it. Just remember to rent something else as well, since the film's only 80 minutes long. Ten minutes of that is credits and first twenty are scene-setting and character development. Fortunately, what's in between is tense and thrilling. It doesn't always make sense but it's more plausible than CSI: New York (even taking into account the twenty-storey mutant bat monster).

Conclusion: Fun while it lasts.

Explosions: Absolutely loads.
Wonky camera: Constant.
Sudden, abrupt ending?:

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action (vol.3), fantasy, film review (vol.5), quick

 
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  Black Sheep (DVD)

Starring: A load of psycho sheep.

Rated: 15.

Story: A genetic experiment goes wrong and the flocks of a remote New Zealand farm turn nasty.

Comments: This really shouldn't work. It should be one joke stretched to breaking point. Killer sheep! Ho, ho! ... Bored now... Happily, the script keeps up a decent stream of gags and doesn't plump for the standard slasher scenario of a large group of idiots getting picked off one by one.

There are some unnecessarily gory scenes near the end that are maybe meant as parody but come across as gross. They'd be more worthwhile if the film was in the least bit scary. Bear in mind that I found I am Legend scary. This just isn't.

Then again, I'm glad I'm not going on a camping trip in Wales any time soon.

Conclusion: It's hard to imagine a movie about killer sheep that's better than this. (You know what I'm saying...)

Explosions: One large one (full of sheep).
Fields: Lots (also full of sheep).
Deep, dark pits: One (full of bits of sheep).
Haggis: One (probably full of bits of sheep, but it's kind of hard to tell.)
Unconvincing monsters: Hundreds. (They look a bit like sheep but are really full of stuffing and cheap animatronics).

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: comedy, film review (vol.5), horror, quick

 
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  Pixar's WALL-E

Starring: Pixar's usual fantastic animation and artwork... and very few words.

Rated: U.

Story: The Earth has been made uninhabitable thanks to a build up of toxic rubbish and humanity has headed to the stars. After centuries, only one of the robots left behind to clear up remains operational - WALL-E. He has a pet cockroach and longs for love (not with the cockroach, I hasten to add).

Then, one day, a probe arrives from space containing the robot of his dreams...

Comments: You have to give Pixar credit for pushing boundaries. While other studios have been playing catch-up with the quality of their animation and scripts, Pixar have moved on to making movies with feeling and depth and meaning. There are no overweight pandas falling down stairs in comic fashion here. The first half hour has almost no verbal dialogue. Pathos is created through emotive movement, sweeping vistas and archetypal imagery. Great effort is extended in making us care for an abandoned robot on a desolate world and to empathise with his faltering attempts to find companionship. It...

Oh, goodness, I was bored. You know, like that bit halfway through Cars where the pace turns to treacle and you just want something (anything!) to happen. After twenty minutes of WALL-E I was seriously worried whether I could last another hour or so of a lonely robot wandering brown landscapes.

Fortunately, the film picks up. WALL-E and his girlfriend reach an interstellar cruise-liner full of obese people and chaos ensues. Everyone falls over a lot. Stuff happens.

It's pretty predictable stuff, though, and there's still not much dialogue. There are a couple of messages - one ecological and another about avoiding dependency on technology - but they're so incredibly broad and obvious that the lesson which actually sticks in the mind is to not become so fat that you can't roll over.

All this puts rather a lot of pressure on the slender and unlikely plot. The story centres around a small plant that WALL-E finds on Earth. It's the first sign that the planet is habitable again.

One plant.

Exactly how toxic would things have to get for every weed on Earth to die? My back yard is entirely slabbed over and gets occasionally sprayed with herbicide - nevertheless, it's got all manner of flora sprouting from it. If I leave it the entire summer, I have to cut a path through with a machete and keep an eye out for overweight pandas.

Fighting over a single plant feels very contrived.

There are several further believability issues but it would be picky to mention them. Any other animated film could get away with these things. Maybe I was put in an unreceptive mood by the unexpectedly slow start. Perhaps, though, in making a world that looks real, Pixar made me expect more realism in the events.

The rest of my family certainly enjoyed the film much more than I did. The boys couldn't decide whether they liked this or Prince Caspian best. Personally, my favourite bit was the short film which came on first called Presto which involves a magician having a slapstick altercation with his hungry rabbit. It was crammed with more action and ideas than the feature.

Conclusion: If the kids want to watch this every day for a month when it comes out on DVD, at least the lack of speech will make it easy for me to ignore.

Explosions: Occasional and small.
Dialogue: Occasional and brief.
Artistic moments: Frequent and slightly too long.
Overweight pandas falling down the stairs: None.
Overweight humans rolling down a hill: Not enough...

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: comedy, family, film review (vol.5), sci-fi

 
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  Kung Fu Panda

Starring: Jack Black, Dustin Hoffman, Angelina Jolie, Lucy Liu, Jackie Chan, etc, etc.

(They all do fine but you won't recognise half of them until the credits. It's like the makers rounded up every famous name they could, in an effort to maximise their Google hits. Was it really necessary?)

Rated: PG.

Story: It's the classic tale of an over-weight panda overcoming adversity to learn Kung Fu in an attempt to save his village from an evil snow leopard and discover his inner butt-kicking Dragon Warrior.

Comments: Contrary to expectations, this isn't awful or full of fart gags. Admittedly, most of the laughs stem from a fat panda falling over but, in a sea of indistinguishable computer-animated movies, sometimes you have to find amusement where you can...

Kung Fu Panda is actually one of the better CGI films I've seen in a while. It's fast-paced and avoids the dull over-indulgence of efforts like Cars and Ratatouille. More than that, it takes advantage of the whole animated, cuddly animal concept. It features a host of outlandish and physically impossible feats and fights. Done with human beings (animated or otherwise) it would look stupid but because it's all snakes and tigers and, er, pandas, suspension of disbelief is much easier. It's possible to sit back and enjoy the spectacle without sniggering at the daftness.

The only real disappointment is the somewhat confused message. It appears to be, 'You don't need to be special to be special.' Except the story is all about a panda who can learn Kung Fu in an afternoon - that's pretty special whatever way you look at it. Meanwhile, the characters who've put the effort in and trained all their lives to make themselves special get smacked into the dirt. Eh?

Ho well, the plot moves along quickly enough to plaster over the cracks. For a movie you feel probably stemmed from a title brain-storming session, it's pretty entertaining.

Writer 1: Dare-devil Dinosaur?
Producer: Too generic.
Writer 2: Rodeo Ostrich?
Producer: Too niche.
Writer 1: Karate Kid?
Producer: Been done.
Writer 2: Not with goats.
Producer: Forget it.
Writer 1: Parachute Elephant?
Producer: Pardon?
Writer 2: Judo Space Monkey?
Producer: Too obvious.
Writer 1: Kung Fu Panda?
Producer: Yes! Go make it! Do you think we can get Jackie Chan involved?

Conclusion: If the kids decide to watch this every day for a month when it comes out on DVD, I can live with that.

Explosions: Some comic firework accidents.
Infeasible displays of acrobatics: Countless.
Wise old turtles: One.
Points made using peach metaphors: Several.
Noodles: Plenty.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action (vol.3), comedy, family, fantasy, film review (vol.5)

 
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  Running Scared (DVD)

Starring: Paul Walker and the kid from Ultraviolet.

Rated: 18.

Story: A small-time gangster is tasked with disposing of a gun by his mafia boss. He keeps it for insurance but it goes missing. He has to race round town following leads in a desperate race to get it back before anyone finds out and he's used as a hockey puck by his colleagues. This puts his family in danger.

Meanwhile, a neighbour's child gets caught up in events and stumbles into almost every bad situation conceivable, thanks to his startling ability to find psychopaths wherever he goes.

Comments: A great ending can't save a poor movie but a poor ending can destroy a great movie. Imagine a Shawshank Redemption where the warden is revealed to be an alien, or a musical finale to Schlindler's List, or if at the conclusion of the Star Wars trilogy Luke joined the Dark Side and Princess Leia turned out to be a man. The consequences are unthinkable...

For most of its length, Running Scared is a passable, violent thriller with some nail-biting moments. The tension is increased by the frequent combination of children and loaded guns in close proximity. Sadly, there's a plot twist ten minutes from the end which is so sharp it dislocates the plot entirely. It essentially re-writes everything which has gone before, causing it to make much less sense. The resulting conclusion feels like it was stolen from a generic action movie (probably involving Wesley Snipes). As the film isn't exceptional to start with, the disappointment isn't on a par with Frodo waking up to discover it was all a dream but I haven't felt so short-changed since Lucky Number Slevin. Grrr.

Perhaps what's really gone wrong is that the movie is trying too hard. It's the kind of film where a meeting gets held in a strip club just because, everyone swears for the sake of it and the final shoot-out takes place somewhere dramatic but daft. Given these elements, the makers probably felt a 'shock' twist was a legal requirement.

Yeah, I know, I was going to avoid films with Paul Walker in after the disasters of The Fast and the Furious and Into the Blue, but I latched onto the phrases 'family man' and 'action thriller' in the synopsis and thought this was worth a shot. In general, it is. Walker actually does a good job and the rest of the cast is excellent. It's simply a shame the plot relies so heavily on coincidence and then makes a nonsense of itself in an effort to wrap things up.

Conclusion: Comes within a quarter of an hour of being rather good.

Explosions: One.
People doing stupid things: Plenty.
Nutters with guns: Loads.
Psychos with arcade machines: Two.
Unlikely, cop-out, happy endings: One.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: film review (vol.5), thriller

 
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  Indiana Jones
and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Starring: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Shia LaBeouf, Karen Allen, Ray Winstone, John Hurt and Jim Broadbent.

Rated: 12A. (My eight-year-old was a little scared in places but the main issue was that the historical setting and exposition left him totally lost. Although he enjoyed the film, he spent most of it asking me what was going on.)

Story: Having made a huge mountain of cash from the Star Wars prequels, George Lucas decides it's time to start recycling other ideas. Leaving Howard the Duck for a different occasion, he opts for a fourth Indiana Jones film. He wakes Harrison Ford from his afternoon nap and they get creaking cracking.

The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is set in 1957 and features Soviet enemies, McCarthyism, a young sidekick, an old flame, some hugely unlikely escapes and a cast-off plot from a science fiction B-movie.



Comments: It's a new Indiana Jones film! Hurrah! It actually looks and feels like one as well, with proper stunts, returning characters, back references and plenty of whip-cracking, tomb-raiding action. Harrison Ford even almost manages to not look too old.

Unfortunately, the film is self-conscious of these things with rather too much pointed looking back and a selection of 'we're not as young as we used to be' jokes. Meanwhile, some preposterous action sequences and the ropey plot are played straight as if there is nothing remotely dubious about them. Since after only a quarter of an hour, Indy should really have died twice and the story has already moved into improbability, it's a case of sitting back and just soaking in the atmosphere.

Happily, The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull isn't awful but it does rather trade on nostalgia to get by. Without the history of the franchise behind it, it wouldn't stand up to much scrutiny - it doesn't make sense in places and is totally daft in others. Still, it is a new Indiana Jones movie... If you liked the other ones, you'll be entertained by this. There's no need to rush out to the cinema, though. Feel free to wait for the DVD release.

Conclusion: Better than the Star Wars prequels but not as good as the LEGO.

Explosions: A single very, very large one.
References to the previous films: Dozens.
Number of bullets fired at Indiana Jones by crack Soviet troops: Hundreds.
Number of bullets that actually hit Indiana Jones: None.
Disparity in these numbers: Large.
Improbable uses of a fridge: One.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action (vol.3), family, fantasy, film review (vol.5)

 
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  Beowulf (DVD)

Starring: Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Brendan Gleeson, Robin Wright Penn and... Angelina Jolie wearing nothing but a thick coat of gold paint and a tail.

Rated: 12.

Story: Long ago in Scandinavia, a hero takes on all-comers in the pursuit of honour, glory and inappropriate women. He becomes seduced by his own publicity. Disaster ensues. He takes his frustration out on a passing dragon.

Comments: Just when I'd given up hope of ever getting to watch a proper superhero, one pops out of the Dark Ages to yell loudly in my ear, swim faster than a speeding sea-serpent and leap tall monsters with a single bound... sometimes naked, simply for the hell of it.

Beowulf revels in his own heroics. He jumps around smiting things. On a good day, he uses his momentum from smacking one creature about to vault straight onto another. There's no dilemma over who he really is; no quandaries over a secret identity. "I am Beowulf!" he roars at every available opportunity.

He is flawed and ultimately miserable but he doesn't let this get in the way of whacking enormous monsters with sharp, pointy things... or ripping them apart with his bare hands.

They don't tell stories about heroes like this any more.

Not that they ever did, actually. Beowulf the computer-animated movie takes plenty of liberties with Beowulf the Old English epic poem. Most notably, it works on the premise that Beowulf's own uncorroborated account of his battle with Grendel's Mother is somewhat embroidered. (Translation: He's lying through his teeth.) This brings a tragic element to events and paints Beowulf far more darkly. Personally, I think the concept works well, producing a modern structure while preserving the fantastical nature of events. I suspect some people will be annoyed, though.

Sadly, a few bizarre design choices and technical difficulties stop the film from meeting its full potential.

The rendering of inanimate objects is spectacular but, as ever, the people appear less impressive. It's simply much harder to make pictures of people look real than it is to make a castle look convincing. This isn't helped by some wooden animation in places. Suspension of disbelief is easier, however, where the characters in the film closely resemble the real life actors doing the voices. Unfortunately, Beowulf looks nothing like Ray Winstone. I found the disparity between face and voice jarring for most of the film.

There are some occasional Old English words to add a touch of historical colour but often they make the dialogue hard to follow. The accent of the monster Grendel is such that his speech is difficult to make out at all. It's also off-putting that one of the characters has been made overtly Christian for no particular reason and yet his motivation varies unsympathetically between dubious and unfathomable.

The weirdest moment, though, is where Beowulf removes all his armour to make his fight fair with the unarmed Grendel. You would have thought a loincloth or something wouldn't have been too much of an advantage. But no... There follows an unintentionally hilarious sequence of discretely placed elbows and swords to protect Beowulf's modesty. I can only imagine what the giggle factor was like in the IMAX 3D version...

Still, the tale is well told and enthralling. The plentiful action sequences are superb. If you can forgive the rough edges and don't mind the alterations from the original, it's an epic adventure.

Beowulf makes short work of beating Spider-Man to a pulp before pulling its legs off.

Conclusion: At last! A proper superhero movie!

Explosions: None (unless you count fiery dragon breath).
Silly costumes involving wearing underpants on the outside: None.
Underpants in general: Not quite enough.
Tedious angst: Mercifully brief.
Monster smiting: Plenty.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: fantasy, film review (vol.4), film review (vol.5)

 
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