Stuff for Dads

  The Invasion (DVD)

Starring: Nicole Kidman (& Daniel Craig but, you know, who cares? It's got Nicole Kidman in it and it's not Practical Magic. Hurrah!)

Rated: 15.

Story: A mysterious alien virus starts turning the whole world into Stepford. A psychologist (Kidman) uncovers the sinister goings on and must escape assimilation, protect her son and save the day while wearing tight sweaters. (Her doctor friend (Craig) helps but, again, who cares?)

Yep, Invasion of the Body Snatchers rides again.

Comments: This is really a zombie flick, except, rather than rip faces off, the zombies spit in everyone else's coffee. They look human, they're emotionless and they're usually placid. It's Attack of the Prozac People.

Although never very scary, this is more nail-biting than it sounds. Fortunately, the film doesn't fall into the trap of a lengthy build up. Everything moves pleasingly quickly from 'Hey? Have you noticed anything odd recently?' to 'Let's drive really fast and squish some zombies'.

Certain of the situations are a little silly but the basic idea is quite thought provoking. In passing, the film questions what it means to be human and asks what price we're willing to pay for free will. It'll have added resonance if you've ever been on anti-depressants. Yeah, they make the world a 'better' place but it's at a cost.

Conclusion: 28 Weeks Later is more tense and The Faculty is more fun but this is a fast-paced effort which contains something to think about and Nicole Kidman.

Explosions: A few.
Unlikely escapes: Several.
Nicole: Lots.
Zombies: Cuddly... until they're sick in your coffee.
Drink?: Er, not right now thanks...
Practical Magic?: A film so bad that even the presence of Kidman and Sandra Bullock couldn't save it. That's pretty bad.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: film review, horror, quick, sci-fi, thriller

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  Ultraviolet (DVD)

Starring: Milla Jovovich.

Rated: 15.

Story: It's the future. A virus has turned lots of people into vampires with superhuman powers. The totalitarian authorities are intent on hunting down and destroying the infected. The vampires aren't too thrilled. One of the vampires, Violet (Jovovich), manages to annoy both sides. Everyone tries to kill her. She chops them to bits with a big sword.

Comments: Ultraviolet is a Matrix wannabe that's totally lacking in coherence and plausibility. There's some some excellent CGI and plenty of action but even this begins to pale after the third time Violet is entirely surrounded by hapless henchmen and yet manages to turn them into sushi. That she does this without a drop of blood being spilled is somewhat disconcerting.

It's very hard to care about any of it by the end.

To add insult to tedium, there's some anti-Christian imagery in that the main bad guy has the title of Vice-Cardinal and works in a Crucifix-shaped building. This is about as deep as the critique of organised religion gets, however, so it seems included just to offend rather than contribute to any kind of debate. It's on the intellectual level of name-calling. Not really big or clever, just irritating.

On top of everything else, Jovovich's performance is less than stellar. She's not helped by dialogue that frequently doesn't stretch beyond, 'Hey!?'

Conclusion: A collection of fights and chases shoved together at random. Some of them are OK.

Explosions: Not many.
Swords: Plenty.
Guns: An entire extra dimension full of them.
Improbable events and plot twists: Another entire extra dimension full of them.
Preferred tactic of henchmen: Standing in a circle and shooting each other. (Sigh.)

Rating: 2/5.

Labels: action, film review, quick, sci-fi

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  Shooter (DVD)

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Michael Pina, Danny Glover, Kate Mara & Rhona Mitra.

Rated: 15.

Story: A disillusioned Special Ops sniper is coaxed out of retirement to help catch an assassin who's plotting to shoot the President. He ends up on the wrong end of a conspiracy. Cue the kind of day that normally only Jack Bauer can handle...

Comments: This has a bit of tension, a bit of action and a little bit of politics. It should be great.

Shame there isn't much sense to it all and it's morally confused. The film tries to make some kind of point about corruption but just seems to say that it's OK to shoot people as long as they really deserve it. (If you can blow them up afterwards, so much the better.)

Conclusion: Not smart enough to be a great thriller but not dumb enough to get away with it.

Explosions: Quite a few.
Sniping from very, very far away: Frequent.
How far exactly?: Far enough for the rotation of the Earth to become an issue on occasion.
Pardon?: You see that clock tower? No, not that one - the one behind it. Try squinting. Yep, that one. Not to worry you or anything, but you might want to keep a foot of concrete between it and your head, OK? Just in case...

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, film review, quick, thriller

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  Highlander: The Source (DVD)

Starring: Adrian Paul.

Rated: 15.

Story: The world has descended into chaos and a small band of immortals sets off in search of the fabled 'Source'. Unfortunately, random passers-by want to eat them, and the Source has a very camp guardian who wants to chop them into tiny pieces. Cue some lack-lustre sword fights...

Comments: This fifth Highlander film was originally intended for theatrical release but, instead, went straight to Sci-Fi Channel.

Which just about says it all.

A paper-thin plot, aimless action and confused characters combine to make The Source a total mess. It's the kind of film where things explode simply for the sake of it. Even better than that, despite listing the basic rules of the Highlander universe at the start, the film seems to delight in breaking them. There's even a dodgy Cardinal in it for no real reason. Fantastic.

Since it features characters from the TV series, The Source might hold some nostalgia for fans but, more likely, it will just sully fond memories. Happily for everyone else, the movie's so inept on occasion, that it's actually funny. Also, thanks to both the participants in the final battle being endowed with super speed, it's all over mercifully quickly.

Conclusion: A film so bad that it fast-forwards itself.

Explosions: Three or four.
Big swords: Loads.
Ludicrous astronomical events: One. (Repeated).
Award nominations: 'Priest with the bizarrest haircut', 'Worst blade-cleaning montage' & 'Most gratuitous use of a fuel truck'.
Chance of franchise ever recovering: Well, at least we have the impending game tie-in to look forward to...

Rating: 1/5.

Labels: action, fantasy, film review, quick, sci-fi

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  Dungeons and Dragons: Tactics (PSP)

Rated: 12+

Story: Honestly, I have no idea, despite the fact I played this for several hours. There's something about a prophesy and impending doom. Since the first cut-scene doesn't appear until after the second mission, it's like the game itself doesn't even care what's going on.

Gameplay: Painstakingly guide a group of up to six adventurers around dungeons and battlefields, fighting monsters and gathering treasure. Combat occurs in a turn-based fashion. Most of your time will be taken navigating menus, moving the characters laboriously down corridors and managing what they're carrying.

Save System: Save at any time.

Comments: Some games require a beard. Facial hair is essential for stroking while considering the next move, for scratching while pondering the impenetrable rules and for pulling out in clumps while wrestling unsuccessfully with the controls.

Dungeons and Dragons: Tactics is one of those games.

If you have never played any Dungeons and Dragons before, then steer well clear. The learning curve isn't so much vertical, it actually overhangs. I played plenty of D&D as a teenager, I'm a fan of turn-based board games and I have a physics degree. I still found this game hugely difficult to understand. That might be forgivable as 'depth' if the whole thing weren't such a tedious faff to play. In theory, computerising the complex D&D rules should have taken the effort out of playing but, in reality, the simplest actions, like changing weapons or moving across a room, have been transformed into something lengthy and involved. Meanwhile, since the dice rolls and calculations are now hidden from the player, it's very hard to work out why the zombie your entire party has been hacking at for the last five turns is adamantly refusing to fall over.

Even if you can recite the latest Dungeon Master's Guide off by heart, the frustrating interface and thread-bare story are worth avoiding anyway. Break out some miniatures and invite a few friends round instead.

Conclusion: Not worth growing a beard for.

Graphics: Nothing special and the magical effects are disappointing. Cut-scenes consist of text and a few static drawings.

Length: Long.

Rating: 1/5.

Labels: computer game review, PSP, quick

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  Money Train (DVD)

Starring: Wesley Snipes, Woody Harrelson & Jennifer Lopez.

Rated: 18.

Story: Snipes and Harrelson are brothers (don't ask) and work as undercover cops on the New York underground. Snipes is the sensible one and Harrelson is the crazy one. They both fancy their new co-worker (Lopez). It all leads, by way of endless 'witty' banter, to a heist of the train carrying the subway's takings.

Comments: Don't be fooled by the first five minutes. They give the impression that this might be entertaining but fail to prepare you for the hour or more of uneventful cop/love-triangle/bickering-brother cliches that follows. The last twenty-five minutes of train-based mayhem might be OK if you somehow manage to still care about any of the characters by that point, you don't mind that nothing makes sense and you haven't lost the will to live. Even then, it's all pretty daft and contrived.

Conclusion: A predictable buddy movie is genetically spliced with an idiotic action flick. The resulting monster has the charm of Snipes, the subtlety of Lopez and the butt of Harrelson. Discerning film-lovers hunt it down with pitchforks.

Explosions: None.
Believable characters: None.
Funny jokes: None.
Predictable but stupid plot developments: Plenty.

Rating: 1/5.

Labels: action, comedy, film review, quick

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  Holes (DVD)

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Jon Voight, Sigourney Weaver, Patricia Arquette & The Fonz.

Rated: PG.

Story: Young Stanley Yelnats winds up in a juvenile detention centre in the middle of a desert even though he's innocent. He blames a curse that his great-great-grandfather brought upon his family but, as fate would have it, he is in exactly the right place to set straight a number of things which have been wrong for a very long time...

Comments: This film is hard to pin down. It's not a comedy, it's not a serious drama, it's not an action adventure. It's The Shawshank Redemption with a whimsical tone, children, a touch of magic, cowboy flashbacks, buried treasure and poisonous lizards. It's also very good.

The cast is excellent and the story is enthralling, if a little odd. Yeah, it's packed full of coincidences but they're convincingly passed off as destiny. The whole thing hangs together well without feeling forced. In fact, it's a master-class in how to hold information back from an audience without confusion or trickery. Events play out in different times and places, gradually becoming intertwined and leading to a satisfying conclusion.

The movie was a little over the heads of my kids but children of nine or ten shouldn't have a problem. Even if your kids aren't old enough, rent it for yourself.

Conclusion: Quirky but fantastic.

Explosions: None.
Coincidences: Lots.
Holes in the ground: Hundreds.
Thing you never thought you'd hear The Fonz say: 'Honey? Could you smell these shoes?'

Rating: 5/5.

Labels: drama, family, fantasy, film review, quick

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  Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles (Wii)

Rated: 15.

Story: Capcom recycles Resident Evils 0, 1, 2 & 3 as a shooting game pasted together with a selection of the old cut-scenes and a bit of text.

Gameplay: You have no control over your movement during the game and very little over where you look. Just point the wiimote and shoot. Selecting weapons, conserving ammunition and finding hidden supplies by shooting the scenery adds some complication.

Save System: Automatic saves at the middle and end of levels.

Comments: My boys asked me what game I'd got through the post. When I said, 'Umbrella Chronicles,' they fell about laughing. I knew I was talking about the story of an evil, multi-national, zombie-creating corporation. They obviously had an entirely different mental image of what the game might involve... I was initially amused but then I realised that this is actually part of a serious problem with the game - it pretty much assumes you've played plenty of Resident Evil before. If you have, you won't be thrown by a story cobbled together from bits and pieces of other games and, instead, be able to fill in the blanks in the plot and background information. If, however, the title makes you think of menacing rain protection, then all the talk of STARS, slugs and T-viruses is going to be impenetrable.

Unfortunately, having played enough Resident Evil to work out what's going on will mean that everything is very familiar. Very, very familiar. To illustrate, witness another conversation I had later the same day:

My wife: Is this a new Resident Evil game?

Me: It's a light-gun remake of the original game. Well, I suppose this bit is a light-gun remake of the GameCube remake of the original game.

My wife: This is the third version of the same game?

Me: I didn't mention the Director's Cut of the PlayStation original or the DS version.

My wife: Okaaay. Whatever...

'Whatever...' is a pretty good summation of much of the game. Walking slowly down that long corridor just right of the main door of the mansion (you know the one) and having zombie dogs jump at me through the window was scary the first time ten years ago. It seems to have happened so often since then, however, that this time I just got rather impatient waiting for them to appear.

So, in terms of Resident Evil, Umbrella Chronicles is a re-run at best. As a light-gun game, it's not that great either. It's relatively slow-paced with low numbers of enemies that each take lots of hits to kill. Each level ends with a boss that just WILL NOT DIE. The tough bosses, slow pace, familiar locations, fiddly controls and sparse checkpoints quickly made playing the game a chore. (The Wii Zapper works OK but doesn't add much to the experience.)

Note to developers: Having to quickly press buttons indicated by on-screen prompts in order to dodge attacks has always been frustrating and a lame alternative to proper interactivity. Bosses with enormous health bars, repeating patterns of movement and that can't be harmed unless they have their mouths open were old news ten years ago. Combining the two is pretty irritating. Stop it.

Conclusion: Maybe worth a rental if you're a big fan of Resident Evil.

Graphics: OK but nothing to write home about.

Length: Short.

Rating: 2/5.

Labels: computer game review, quick, wii

  9:46 AM - Permanent Link - 0 comments - Post comment - Links to this post

  Transformers (DVD)

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox and some big robots fighting each other.

Rated: 12.

Story: Geeky teenager (LaBeouf) attempts to chat up a pretty girl in his class (Fox). They get caught up in an inter-stellar war between big robots that can disguise themselves as ordinary vehicles. Geeky teenager tries not to get grounded by his parents while saving the world.

Comments: What do you expect from a film based on toy cars which can turn into robots? Probably not much, so this is surprisingly good.

The romance subplot is pretty embarrassing. The main plot is fairly non-existent. Some of the fighting is hard to follow. Still, there's an awful lot of action involving big robots stomping on each other and just about everything blows up, so it could have been a lot worse. It almost certainly looks fantastic in HD.

Conclusion: One for teenage boys of all ages.

Explosions: Lots.
Robots: In disguise.
Message 1: Geeky guys are actually brave, misunderstood heroes.
Message 2: Cute girls dig guys that drive giant robots.
Basis in reality: Tenuous.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, film review, quick, sci-fi

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  300 (DVD)

Starring: Gerard Butler, Lena Headey and David Wenham's voice. (The rest of David Wenham is in it as well but it's his pleasant-but-weird accent that you'll really remember).

Rated: 15.

Story: Three hundred Spartans take on tens of thousands of Persians in the Battle of Thermopylae while wearing nothing but cloaks and loincloths. And then... No, hang on, that's about it, actually.

Comments: Back in my youth, Sunday afternoon wasn't complete without some sword-and-sandals epic plugging a large hole in TV schedules between the farming programmes and Songs of Praise. They were generally lavish, plodding and in a slightly odd colour. They also tended to be less gory than the public service announcements in the middle of Farming Diary. (Maybe that was just in Norfolk, though. It's possible that the rest of the world doesn't need to be told to avoid repairing heavy machinery while it's still running...)

You don't get so many sandy extravaganzas these days. There's been Gladiator and Troy but not much else. Perhaps too many people, like me, just think back to long, rainy Sunday afternoons and sigh at the thought. I couldn't bring myself to get excited about 300. All I could imagine was pontificating in togas and a bit of spear waving.

I was wrong.

300 replaces the lavish sets of yesteryear with a couple of rocks, three pillars and a stack of CGI but it ups the action a hundred-fold and delivers more rampaging men in loincloths than a Tarzan convention and more dismemberment than a carelessly unjammed combine harvester. (In an attempt to replicate the style of the original graphic novel, it does retain the traditional slightly odd colour, though.)

The result is an action film more gripping than any number of the identikit space operas and espionage thrillers that have been churned out over the last couple of decades.

Give it a shot.

Conclusion: Made on the cheap but with such style you won't notice.

Explosions: A few, thanks to the Persians' supply of hand-grenades. (No, really...)
Muscles: Everywhere.
Lunatics in loincloths: Three hundred.
Body count: Astronomical.
Hilarious cameos by a rhino: One.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action, fantasy, film review, quick

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  The Detonator (DVD)

Starring: Wesley Snipes.

Rated: 15.

Story: A maverick Department of Homeland Security agent (Snipes) goes after arms smugglers in Eastern Europe and winds up on the wrong side of the authorities and the local mafia. Cue a couple of daring escapes with love interest in tow, a car chase, some predictable double-crossing and a shoot out over a weapon of mass destruction. Again.

Comments: This isn't awful but it's so generic that I'd forgotten its existence a fortnight after watching it. There are some decent action sequences but the whole thing is a Frankenstein's monster of every action film you've ever seen. Everything from the nerve gas storyline to the twist at the end seems bolted on from somewhere else. It's like they spliced together three or four subplots that Bourne and Bond didn't have time to deal with, stuck an in-your-face title on top and then gave the lead role to the first person who walked past the studio. Wesley Snipes is a little out of place but we should just be thankful it wasn't Dolph Lundgren, Stallone or that guy from Police Academy who only talks in grunts and screeches.

Conclusion: I'll probably watch it again if I discover it while channel hopping late at night... but mainly because I won't remember having seen it before.

Explosions: There might have been...
Stunts: Yeah, I think there were one or two...
Setting: Erm...
Plot: Uh...
Characters: Um...
Memorable moments: Er...
Thing I need to avoid: Reviewing this again tomorrow because I've forgotten I've done it already.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, film review, quick

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  Swordfish (DVD)

Starring: John Travolta, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry and Vinnie Jones.

Rated: 15.

Story: A computer expert (Jackman) gets persuaded to pull off one last hack by a pretty girl (Berry) and her crazy boss (Travolta). He quickly finds himself in over his head as his family get caught up in events and it all descends from internet fraud to bank heist to CIA conspiracy to nutters with rocket launchers.

Comments: Swordfish is totally over the top but mercifully restrained at the same time. The plot twists keep things interesting without becoming tangled. The narrative only ever jumps about to add spice rather than to make the film-makers appear clever. The pace is broken up nicely and, when the action sequences arrive, they're exciting, explosive and full of surprises. The cast is charismatic and entertaining, and Travolta is at his best. There's even a little food for thought on ends justifying means.

Despite all this, I'd somehow managed to be totally unaware of this movie until it popped up in my LOVEFiLM recommendations a few weeks ago. Was it criminally overlooked on release or was I just asleep? Let's see... Oh, 2001... That was the year Sprog1 got teeth.

Guess I was awake.

I may not have been too alert, though...

Conclusion: Slick, thrilling and fun.

Explosions: Lots.
Silliness: Plenty.
Plausibility: Slim.
Halle Berry's clothing: Limited.
Travolta's smirk: Constant.

Rating: 5/5.

Labels: action, film review, quick, thriller

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  Die Hard 4.0 (DVD)

Starring: Bruce Willis

Rated: 15

Story: All the other Die Hard movies shaken together with a touch of cyber terrorism, a different national holiday and less hair.

Comments: The first thing I knew about a new Die Hard film was Bruce Willis in the middle of an explosion staring down at me from the side of a bus. My initial reaction was 'Yippee-ki-yay!' This was pretty quickly replaced by suspicion, however. Could I really have missed all the hype? Or had there been no hype because the film was dreadful?

I wasn't reassured by the title. Die Hard 4.0? That's a bit lame. I felt a shameless, nostalgia-destroying cash-in coming on.

Then I discovered that this is just the European title. In America it's called Live Free or Die Hard. That's much more like it. I was still concerned that Bruce Willis was too old, the plot would be a mess and everything would be cobbled together around a couple of outlandish action sequences but I was hopeful it would be OK. When the time came, I crossed my fingers as I put the disc in the DVD player...

Fortunately, I was grinning like a loon within minutes. It's a new Die Hard film and it's great!

Sure, it's a far cry from the original but it's a valid continuation of a series which has steadily expanded in scale from one sequel to the next. At heart, it's still the same. There are no pointless plot twists for the sake of it. This is one guy, in the wrong place, at the wrong time, cracking one-liners and kicking butt. Everything flows together extremely well and there's a steady stream of action. It's more over the top than it used to be but that's just down to a couple of decades of action film inflation. Blame The Matrix for altering our expectations.

As for Bruce Willis, if anything, he looks more the part than he did twenty years ago. It's now odd to think that he had hair in the previous movies. If you don't believe me, check out the music DVD hidden amongst the special features. It covers all four movies in five minutes and is very amusing (although it contains ten times more bad language than the film itself).

Some Die Hard fans may be offended that the swearing and gore have been toned down. This was almost certainly done to lower the age rating and let more teenage boys into the cinema to see the film. It does sanitise things a bit but, ironically, it's probably the teenage boys who will be most disappointed. Overall, it's really only a minor quibble against a movie that makes most other action blockbusters look poorly planned and uninspired.

Conclusion: Let's just hope that the new Indiana Jones film is this good.

Explosions: Frequent.
Plot: Slim.
Believability: Low.
Bruce Willis: Bald.
My grin: Very big.

Rating: 5/5.

Labels: action, film review, quick

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  Premonition (DVD)

Starring: Sandra Bullock

Rated: 12

Story: Linda, a housemom, lives a week in the wrong order, experiencing the days before and after a family tragedy out of sequence.

Comments: This is slick and tense but doesn't make much sense. In fact, it may even make less sense than Deja Vu but Premonition gets away with it better because it seldom pretends to make sense. The weakest scene is where a priest is drafted in to try and explain things.

There simply isn't a way to trace a convincing timeline from any perspective. Sometimes Linda's attempts to alter events she has already experienced succeed but then, on other occasions, these attempts cause the events. Maybe a point is being made that some things are pre-determined and that our free will is limited. Or maybe it's just a mess. Who knows? It's not awfully satisfying, though.

The cast are good (especially Bullock) and the cinematography is great but the script is broken.

Conclusion: There are worse ways to spend an hour and a half than staring at Sandra Bullock (unless you're watching Hope Floats, of course. That's worth battering yourself senseless with a frying pan to avoid).

Explosions: One very silly one.
Questions: Plenty.
Answers: Few.
Creepiness: Some.
Sandra Bullock: Lots.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: drama, fantasy, film review, quick

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  Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (DVD)

Starring: The usual suspects but even Jessica Alba can't save it this time.

Rated: PG

Story: The Fantastic Four come to terms with their new-found fame while attempting to stop the Earth being eaten.

Comments: The Fantastic Four is turning into the archetypal modern superhero franchise. The first film was OK but took ages to get going and had too much angst and not enough smashing. This second film builds on that by taking ages to get going and adding more angst. Great. Rather than increasing the frequency of action scenes, it has more complex, CGI-heavy action scenes.

No, no , no , no, NO!

Less nonsense, please. More smashing.

Expect a third and final installment in a year or so. It will feature less angst, even more CGI and at least one of the main characters being turned evil. Someone will probably die.

None of us will care, though.

Conclusion: Watch Die Hard 4.0 again rather than this.

Explosions: Not enough.
The Human Torch: Irritating.
Invisible Girl: Bored.
Mr Fantastic: Ropey.
The Thing: All but forgotten.
Consuming question: What did they do to Jessica Alba's hair?
Note to makers of future superhero films: Faster pace, better plot, less angst, more smashing. Still. Thank you.

Rating: 2/5.

Labels: action, fantasy, film review, quick, sci-fi

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  Babel (DVD)

Starring: Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, four tenuously related stories, some unpleasant stress and a strong desire to hit fast-forward.

Rated: 15

Story: Two Moroccan children play with a rifle as an American tourist couple go past. The Americans' children are unexpectedly taken to a wedding in Mexico by their nanny. The Japanese daughter of the original owner of the rifle struggles with being a deaf teenager in Tokyo. No one (including me) has a particularly pleasant experience.

Comments: None of the characters are very sympathetic - they're all grumpy and foolish. None of the stories is very substantial. Nothing much links together or has any purpose.

It might have been possible to get away with these things if the film wasn't both dull and stressful but everything is drawn out and there's the frequent possibility of very bad things happening to children. The fact that the stories are interleaved even though they are mostly days apart is confusing. Like so much of the film, this narrative device seems there simply for the sake of it. It certainly doesn't help relieve the tedium.

It's not like there's even any clear message. Maybe Babel is saying that one piece of stupidity or generosity can cause havoc for any number of ordinary people across the globe. Or maybe it's a look at all kinds of ways of living just to prove that everyone's miserable. I don't know and I pretty quickly ceased to care.

Conclusion: A film I only watched to the end so that it would be easier to forget.

Explosions: None.
Scene-setting shots with native music: Lengthy.
Focus: Meandering.
'No! Don't do that moments!': Almost constant.
Goats: Plenty.

Rating: 1/5.

Labels: drama, film review, quick

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  Severance (DVD)

Starring: Danny Dyer (who looks kind of familiar), Laura Harris (the new girl from The Faculty) and Tim McInnerny (the thick one from Blackadder).

Rated: 15

Story: A psycho gatecrashes a team-building weekend. Hilarity almost ensues.

Comments: This had potential but, as comedy slasher films go, it's neither that funny nor that scary. The characters are office comedy stereotypes - spineless manager, arrogant git, joking waster, unattainable female, frumpy female, officious sycophant and decent bloke - so it's difficult to take their peril seriously. Then again, having them squabble a lot and then die horribly isn't that funny.

Feels like some students' final year project.

Conclusion: A good idea that's spread too thin. Could do better.

Explosions: A couple.
Laughs: Occasional.
Scares: Few.
Stereotypes: Everyone.
Entertaining moments which aren't in the trailer: None.

Rating: 2/5.

Labels: comedy, film review, horror, quick

  9:01 AM - Permanent Link - 2 comments - Post comment - Links to this post

  Apocalypto (DVD)

Starring: A jungle, some impressive sets and a very large crowd.

Rated: 18

Story: Shortly before the arrival of Europeans, some cuddly rural Mayans get rounded up for sacrifice by some nasty urban Mayans. There is plenty of gory death. It eventually all goes Die Hard with blow pipes.

Comments: This is an odd one. The dialogue is entirely in Yucatan, it's set five hundred years ago in the middle of nowhere, it starts out as an idyllic look at indigenous culture and vast amounts of effort have gone into making it look authentic but, in a surprise twist, it's directed by Mel Gibson and is an out-and-out action film. It's always intriguing or exciting, though, so no harm done.

Suspension of disbelief is an issue, however. By three-quarters of the way through the film, the main character, Jaguar Paw, should be dead. The only thing keeping him alive is destiny (that and the ability to run really fast in the dark despite being exhausted and full of holes). When so much time and money has obviously been spent on spectacular visual realism, it seems strange that the hero should turn out to be Robocop in a loincloth.

Conclusion: Cecil B DeMille meets John McClane... in a Mexican jungle... with a big knife.

Explosions: None.
Slaughter: Plenty.
Lucky escapes: Too many.
Assaults with a deadly frog: One.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action, film review, quick

  9:00 AM - Permanent Link - 0 comments - Post comment - Links to this post

  Little Miss Sunshine (DVD)

Starring: No one much.

Rated: 15

Story: A severely dysfunctional American family go on a disastrous road trip in order to get their young daughter to the finals of a very dubious beauty pageant. They become slightly less dysfunctional. The pageant remains dubious.

Comments: Remember the old adage, 'Sticking a load of crazy people in a camper van doesn't always make a great comedy'? Well, it's true. Not only that, but if all the people are stereotypes, it apparently doesn't make for a great drama either.

Guest conclusion from my wife: 'Well that was kind of OK.'

Explosions: None.
Predictability: High.
Satirical targets: Too soft.
Actually funny moments: A handful.
Apparent message: Families are hell, but pre-teen beauty pageants are worse...

Rating: 2/5.

Labels: comedy, drama, film review, quick

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  The Sentinel (DVD)

Starring: Kiefer Sutherland, Michael Douglas wishing he was Clint Eastwood, Kim Basinger looking surprisingly well-preserved and the sexy one from Desperate Housewives.

Rated: 12

Entire transcript of the planning meeting: "Let's just do 24 - The Film with a dash of In the Line of Fire. Now... lunch, anyone?"

Comments: It's got Kiefer Sutherland as a member of the Secret Service trying to unmask a traitor in order to stop a plot to kill the US President. Haven't we seen something like this before? He even gets to mutter 'Dammit!' as the main suspect gets away again.

Unfortunately, in attempting to condense an entire series of 24 into two hours, the writers have emphasised the flaws rather than latching onto the good bits. Implausible character motivation and unlikely plot twists, ahoy! Meanwhile, there's not quite enough tension or action.

You wonder if the whole project was organised by Catherine Zeta-Jones just to get Michael Douglas out of the house. Sutherland may not even have noticed he wasn't on the set of 24. Eva Longoria seems to be in it mostly for window-dressing but at least she doesn't get almost eaten by a cougar...

Conclusion: More contained than a couple of episodes of 24, just not as entertaining.

Explosions: One not very interesting one.
Plausibility: Low.
Forgettability: High.
Typecasting of Keifer Sutherland: Complete.
Original ideas: None.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, film review, quick, thriller

  9:01 AM - Permanent Link - 0 comments - Post comment - Links to this post

  Payback (DVD)

Starring: Mel Gibson

Rated: 18

Story: Porter (Gibson), a remorseless criminal, is betrayed and left for dead after taking part in a successful robbery. Upon recovering, he sets out to get even and take back his share of the loot. He's not subtle about it.

Comments: This film is so old it's probably on ITV4 every other week. Still, thanks to having small children, I've lost a few years somewhere. I'm occasionally surprised the Millennium has actually happened already. So, here's a review from 1999:

This is a 'one man against the unassailable criminal organisation' movie. The twist is that the hero isn't a policeman on a mission or a vigilante with a grudge - he's a criminal wanting some cash and a bit of closure on a bad experience. He's John McClane without restraint - resourceful and brave but totally ruthless. The result is a take on the genre which is still fresh (and blessedly free of cheesy one-liners).

The most impressive feature of the film is how Porter remains sympathetic throughout. He's a thief, a thug and a murderer but, in some sense, he has principles. He is obsessed with payback but not on wanton revenge. He only wants 'his' money. He looks after his friends. He doesn't enjoy the violence. And it helps that the people who get in his way are dirty cops, thugs and monsters, so it appears he's fighting back as the world conspires against him. He's likeable and smart as well, allowing you to forget he's a complete psycho nutcase. Gibson pulls it off admirably but it's hard to imagine anyone else getting away with it.

That Porter comes across as a decent guy deep down probably poses plenty of questions about the perception of good and evil. Whether that's intentional or this is just violent, amoral fluff, is another question entirely.

Conclusion: An excellent action thriller... as long as you like Mel Gibson.

Explosions: Two.
Believability: Low.
Trail of corpses: Lengthy.
Mel Gibson: Plenty.
Inadvisable uses of a mousetrap: One.

Rating: 4/5.

Labels: action, film review, quick, thriller

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  X-Men 3: The Last Stand (DVD)

Starring: Patrick Stewart, Hugh Jackman, Ian McKellen, Halle Berry, Famke Janssen, Vinny Jones and Kelsey Grammer's new hairstyle.

Rated: 12

Story: Someone invents a cure for mutants. The mutants get a bit stroppy.

Comments: This is better than the other two but you'll need to have watched them in order to understand what's going on. (Bummer).

There is half a decent idea here. Even the X-Men themselves baulk at the possibility of any mutants being forcibly 'cured'. Their powers make them who they are. Do ordinary humans have the right to control mutants? Surely these 'normal' people just need to put aside their fear and resentment, and embrace those who are different?

The film tries to set up a moral quandary. The problem is, it's hard to be that sympathetic. If I knew someone living round the corner could decimate half the city just by thinking hard and clicking their fingers, I'd probably not be very liberal-minded about it. Realistically, I'd want some serious 'curing' done. I suspect this isn't the message the film-makers were trying to get across...

Jackman can't believe he has to live with the silly hair again (especially since Berry can't be bothered with hers this time round), McKellan really is fed up of waving his arms about in front of a green screen and only Stewart and Jones can muster any enthusiasm. Stewart is almost certainly just happy it's not Star Trek; Jones gets to break through walls with his head.

Explosions: Yes.
Ropey plot: Yes.
Too many characters: Yes.
Impressive CGI effects designed to justify the films existence: Yes.
Same as before?: Oh, yes.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, film review, quick

  8:08 AM - Permanent Link - 0 comments - Post comment - Links to this post

  The Marine (DVD)

Starring: A wrestler, Terminator 2, a couple of beautiful women and a chainsaw. (Yep, break out the beers and switch off your brain!)

Rated: 15

Story: Die Hard... in a swamp.

Comments: A fun action film with a generic plot, plenty of stunts and a lack of polish. This is one to just chuckle at, late at night. Let's face it, any film which feels the need to reference Goodfellas, The Terminator and Deliverance by name is a little desperate but it rises above its straight-to-video potential by delivering some really big explosions.

The oddest thing about the film is its unexpected prudishness. The film builds up to a married couple having sex then shies away from it without showing anything as explicit as you might expect in a daytime soap. Later it feels the need to slow motion a scene involving a man being acrobatically garroted with a chain. It's like the makers know this is really for thirteen-year-old boys (who are too young to watch it) but they'll get the graphic violence past the parents as long as no one takes their clothes off.

It's a strange world.

Explosions: Loads.
Plot: Virtually none.
Subtlety: None.
Believable characterisation: Less than that.
Chance of a sequel: Er...

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, film review, quick

  8:07 AM - Permanent Link - 0 comments - Post comment - Links to this post

  Blood Diamond (DVD)

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Connelly, Basil Wallace.

Rated: 15

Story: During the civil war in Sierra Leone, a white, Rhodesian mercenary chases after diamonds while a black native searches for his scattered family. They end up working together.

Comments: Want to watch an action film which makes you feel bad about the situation in Africa while giving no solutions and implying that there may not be any?

Thought not.

How about if it features Leonardo DiCaprio calling everyone 'bro' all the time in an impressive but somewhat unpleasant accent?

Really?

Ho, well...

Explosions: Some.
Guilt: Loads.
Answers: None.

Rating: 2/5.

Labels: action, drama, film review, quick

  8:05 AM - Permanent Link - 0 comments - Post comment - Links to this post

  Fantastic Four (DVD)

Starring: Jessica Alba in a very tightly fitting outfit and, er... some other people I didn't pay much attention to.

Rated: PG

Story: Four astronauts get caught in a cosmic storm and develop superpowers. They have angst and bicker. Eventually they get to smash things.

Comments: This is mildly entertaining but why can't superheroes just be superheroes any more? Why do they have to have angst and rubbish love lives? Why does the first film in the series have to focus on them coming to terms with their power? Why can't they just start out flying around smashing things saving people? Why? Why? Why?

Explosions: Considering it features a man who flies around on fire, not as many as you might expect.
Predictability: Larger than The Thing.
Mr Man most closely impersonated: Mr Tickle.
Silliest superpower in cinematic history: One that makes Jessica Alba invisible.
Note to makers of future superhero films: Faster pace, better plot, less angst, more smashing. Thank you.

Rating: 3/5.

Labels: action, fantasy, film review, quick

  8:03 AM - Permanent Link - 1 comments - Post comment - Links to this post